Drink 16: The Dancing Moose

The Name: The Dancing Moose                                                                                 

The Bar: Dive Bar (Amsterdam Ave btwn. 95th and 96th street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: So, from the title of this post, I think a lot of people might be expecting a really funny story. Perhaps it's referencing a production of The Nutcracker that I saw at a zoo once. Perhaps it has something to do with the last moose-themed drink I ordered for this blog. Regardless, it's a funny name, and one would assume that a funny story would follow. But I doubt that anyone would have guessed the real story behind this name: it has to do with Lauren Bacall and a souvenir she purchased at a museum in Sweden. Allow me to explain.

While I think most of the people who read this blog probably know me personally, it seems as if there are actually some readers who have never met me (Hi, readers, I'm Miles! I hope you're enjoying the blog). So, I should give a little background as to who I am. I was a child actor (and am now an adult actor) and have been working professionally since I was five years old. Throughout my childhood, I've had the opportunity to work with some amazing people on some incredible projects. Undoubtedly, the highest-profile role of my child acting career was in the film Dogville. If you have not heard of this movie, then you are not alone. It's an obscure, depressing, three-hour long art film which takes place on a set with no walls. Here's a birds-eye view of the set.

The entire film takes place on this set. I repeat, it is three hours long.

 The film is not everyone's cup of tea, and it is very much a film that one either loves or hates, so while it definitely has its fans, it never gained too much popularity with American audiences. But while many have not heard of the film, they have definitely heard of many of the people involved. It is directed by the always controversial Lars von Trier, and features an incredible cast which I still can't believe I was a part of. It reads like a who's-who of bona fide movie stars and well-regarded character actors who you've seen in everything. And, of course, there is absolute screen legend Lauren Bacall.

I don't think anyone would be surprised to learn that Lauren Bacall had an amazing presence. You could feel her in a room.When she spoke, you could feel everyone in the room get a little bit quieter. It was, at times, a little bit terrifying to be in a room with her, and it was always incredible. She was simply regal. And, as a little twelve-year old boy, I often found myself completely unaware of what to say to her. Nonetheless, she was always very kind to me.

Lauren Bacall and Nicole Kidman in a stillshot from Dogville, with me lurking in the background.

However, she was not kind to everyone on the set. Lauren Bacall was a bit of a diva-- this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Let's be honest, she deserved to be a bit demanding. When I think of Lauren Bacall, I immediately think of one of the drivers on the crew-- a lovely man named Shannon. One day, he drove Ms. Bacall from the hotel to the film set and, on the way, she decided she like him. From that day on, Shannon immediately because her personal assistant and none of us ever saw him again. Okay, that's exaggerating slightly, but not that much. Poor Shannon kind of disappeared and looked a bit more beleaguered than usual every time we saw him around. In general, Lauren Bacall knew that nobody would ever say no to her, so she could get away with anything. And, frankly, she had earned that right. And I think she found this dynamic hilarious and exploited it at every opportunity. Which brings us to the dancing moose.

Dogville was filmed in a little town called Trollhättan (literally meaning "Troll's Hat"), specifically at a film studio informally known as Trollywood, where a great number of Scandinavian films are made. It's a sweet town, but there isn't much to Trollhättan-- it's rather tiny and not exactly a bustling metropolis. One of the biggest attractions at the time was a nearby Moose Museum. Which is EXACTLY what it sounds like. It was a museum about moose. And while I hate resorting to cultural stereotypes, it is undoubtedly one of the most Swedish places to ever exist. If you think that Canadians are serious about moose, then you have never met a Swede.

My tutor, Lennart, and I at the moose museum.

Everyone involved in the film probably visited the moose museum at some point during the filming, if only because there was nothing else to do. And, when Lauren Bacall went to the museum (Shannon, of course, drove her there) she found a souvenir in the gift shop that she liked.

It was a moose stuffed animal. And when you pressed a button, it would dance and sing. Because it has been so many years, I have forgotten the song, but it was something upbeat and jaunty. In my mind, I think it might have been an Elvis Presley song, but for some reason, I'm also thinking it could have been "Jingle Bell Rock," even though it was February. I really can't say for sure. Here's an example of the type of toy I'm talking about, if you can't picture it, but it wasn't this one exactly. Although Lauren Bacall's moose definitely was also wearing sunglasses. Because dancing moose toys always come with sunglasses for some reason. I'm sorry I can't provide more details about the dancing moose, but the important thing is that Lauren Bacall bought one. And she carried it with her everywhere for a few days.

But she didn't just carry it around. She would play it. Constantly. People would come up to talk to her and she would simply press the button and stare at them while the moose sang. The message was clear: our conversation will wait until this moose is done dancing. Her expressive glance signaled that no one should dare to speak over the jaunty, upbeat moose song. There was also a young filmmaker named Sami who was making a documentary about the making of the film, and he had set up several "confession booths" where cast and crew were encouraged to sit and talk about the process. I actually held the record for the most visits to the confession booth. I would go in at least once a day and talk about how this was such a great and rewarding experience. I only appear briefly in the documentary, because there was much more dramatically interesting footage of everyone else in the cast disgruntledly going "I hate everything."

The documentary was originally going to be called Docville, but was later changed to Dogville Confessions and I'm really upset about that because the pun is so excellent.

Lauren Bacall, on the other hand, very rarely went into the booth. Sami had to beg her to go in and talk a little bit, since he would love to include her thoughts in the film. In retaliation, she allegedly went in with her moose and sat in the booth for three hours-- never speaking, but simply pressing the button and making the moose dance over and over again until the battery died. I don't know for sure if this true, but I totally believe it is. It is absolutely the type of thing she would do.

Eventually, she got bored of the moose toy and we never saw it again. But it was wonderful while it lasted, and whenever I see a similar toy, I immediately think of Lauren Bacall. Because it was absolutely wonderful to see her so amused by it. The dancing moose clearly brought her some level of joy, and that's remarkable to me. As I said before, she was always kind to me, but I was still never able to get over my sense of awe in her presence. She is truly a legend-- and I can attest that she was truly grander than life. Every moment I spent with her felt unreal, felt impossible, felt incredible. And even though I certainly did not know her well, I think that is why I was so shaken when I heard the news of her passing--a little over one day ago as of this writing. In reputation, and in reality, she seemed simply immortal. She was and is Lauren Bacall. And to see her get such enjoyment out of a, frankly, stupid little novelty toy, well, I just think that's wonderful. It makes her human.

She was an incredible person, and I am forever humbled by the time I spent with her. I have a little list of potential drink names that I might order for this blog, and "The Dancing Moose" has been on there for a while. After the news of her passing, well, it just felt appropriate.

Me with Lauren Bacall and Ben Gazzara-- another incredible (and strange) actor who passed away a couple of years ago.

Ordering The Drink: I really can't stress how stunned I was at the news of Lauren Bacall's death-- certainly more so than I thought I would be. And I thought that maybe ordering this drink would bring me some sort of closure. So I decided to go to Dive Bar-- literally the closest bar to my apartment.

"Dive Bar" might seem like an uncreative name, like if you were to go shopping at a store called "Clothes," but it's actually pretty clever. Dive Bar, which has three locations in Manhattan, employs an underwater theme. So, "dive" refers to the idea of a deep-sea diver. It's cute, and the decor is fun and fitting to the theme.

Note the diver's helmet and the mermaid bust which fit with the theme. And the disco ball which does not.

This bar is literally right down the street from me and has been around for ages. But I have somehow never gone inside before, even though I'd heard good things. So, despite the somber reasoning behind this drink's name, I was excited to try it out. I found the bar really fun, with a great crowd and a jovial waitstaff. Plus, among the aquatic decor, there was a moose head, which I thought boded well for this particular drink. Unfortunately, the moose head was in a particularly dark corner of the bar and I couldn't get a good picture.

Here's a picture I took of the moose.

And here's a picture I took of the moose but with the flash on. As you can see, no difference. Although the baseball game in the background is clearer.

But despite the fact that the moose was lurking in the shadows, I felt optimistic.

My bartender was a friendly, vikingesque man named Eric (or maybe Erik? Erich? Eryk? Eryichkc? Errichyirk9ckeryk? I'm not sure-- he didn't spell it for me) who seemed incredibly genial, and on first-name basis with most of the patrons at the bar. I made the request and he seemed kind of confused, but was still on board with it. He started typing something on his cell phone and asked me to repeat the name of the drink. I repeated "The Dancing Moose" and he typed something into his phone again. I don't have proof of this, but I'm 90% sure he was looking it up to see if it was a pre-existing drink and I was testing him. But, of course, it wasn't and he got to work assembling the drink.

This is not Erykhc the bartender. But it is a pretty fish tank-- one of several around the bar.

After not too long, Errikych set a drink down in front of me.

The Drink:

Buffalo Trace Bourbon

Canadian Club Whiskey

Pineapple Juice

Sour Mix

Cherry for Garnish

Assessment of Drink: Earyich explained the drink as he set it down.

"So, you said moose, so I put in Buffalo Trace Bourbon because it's, with moose, they..."

At this point, Earrack trailed off and ended up not finishing his sentence. It was clear to me that upon hearing "The Dancing Moose," he immediately thought of buffalo, and it was not until that very moment that he realized that buffalo and moose are not related. We both silently decided to let it slide and he moved onto the next ingredient.

"And then I thought that a lot of moose live in Canada, so I put in some Canadian Club. But then you said dancing, so I though there had to be something kinda fun, so I put in the pineapple and sour mix."

I was very happy to hear these ingredients. My typical drink of choice at a bar (when I'm not tormenting the bartenders with my customized drink requests) is a Whiskey Sour, and this drink was very similar to that. I eagerly took a sip.

And the drink was certainly fine, but I did find it a little disappointing. I do think that these ingredients themselves could make a great drink-- the pineapple juice could theoretically compliment a whiskey sour well-- but the pineapple and the sour mix didn't really come through at all, so it basically just tasted like straight whiskey. Now, some of you are probably saying "But, Miles, whiskey is great!" And, yes, it is. But if I wanted straight whiskey, then that's what I would order. The point of a mixed drink is that you have other flavors present. The reason I usually like a Whiskey Sour over straight whiskey is that I think the sour really brings out nice undertones within the whiskey and compliments it well. The benefit of a mixed drink is that you get the different flavors and how they play off each other. Here, the whiskey was just a bit too overpowering for me. Which is such a shame since, as I mentioned, I think the other ingredients could have really worked if they'd been a bit more prominent. Oh well, it's a good thing I like whiskey! Having too much whiskey in a drink is a really nitpicky criticism.

Does It Live Up To The Name: Sure. Errhiyck's attempt to tie moose and buffalo together was a bit misguided-- both are large, brown mammals which are common in North America, but they're not actually related in any way. But I can see how, in the spur of a moment, a connection could be made. I think that the use of the Canadian Club is a stronger connection. But, perhaps because I was longing for a flavor other than just whiskey, I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps Canada Dry ginger ale might have been a nice addition to this drink. We keep the "Canada" part, but I think the ginger could have maybe been a good bridge between the whiskey and the pineapple, since it goes with both of those flavors well. I might even try that myself sometime.

I do like that it was a stronger drink. Whether dancing or not, there is nothing graceful or refined about a moose-- they're just large and clunky creatures. And the idea of a moose dancing, while amusing, still brings to mind a burly, strong creature. 

I AM DELICATE!

So, I think the fact that it was a somewhat strong drink did make a lot of sense. I just wish that the sweetness of the pineapple had come through a bit more. That would have elevated this drink a lot for me.

I will also admit that, even though the bartender couldn't have possibly known this drink name was referencing a museum in Sweden, I kind of was hoping a Swedish alcohol like Aquavit might make an appearance. (Or schnapps. Lars von Trier loves schnapps). But, then again, if I really wanted that I wouldn't have gone to a place that is literally called "Dive Bar." The bar is exactly what it promises-- a friendly, neighborhood bar. Although the Dancing Moose was a bit of a disappointment, I am excited to return to Dive Bar. They seemed to have a solid beer selection, and I've heard their food is pretty good for a bar too. Maybe there'll even be a mooseburger on the menu. Probably not, but if there is, I'll be sure to order it.

Drink 15: The Male Pregnancy Test

The Name: The Male Pregnancy Test                                                                                 

The Bar: The Whiskey Ward (121 Essex Street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: This is one of my favorite stories, and one of the strangest. And a great example of the ineptitude of the government.

So, when I was a teenager, like so many other teens, I had a bad case of acne. Bad enough that, on a dermatologist's recommendation, I began to take some medication to help my skin clear up. Before doing so, though, I was told I would have to take a blood test. Now, I have always had a dislike of needles. I know that nobody really LIKES needles, but I have a particular distaste for them. So, the idea of taking a blood test was not a welcoming one, but obviously I'd have no problem having blood taken if it was necessary.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out what the blood test was supposed to be for. If you read the name of this drink, then you know that the blood test was for something called the M.P.T. Or, Male Pregnancy Test.

Now, some of you might be confused. See, a lot of medications-- and specifically acne medications-- can be harmful to take if you are pregnancy, and can cause health complications for both the mother and the child. So, the Food and Drug Administration, which oversees the distribution of all medication, takes tremendous efforts to make sure that no pregnant individual ever takes these pills. For example, while my acne pills did not have this, I know a lot of people take pills that come in the following, unsubtle packaging.

You know those TV commercials where the announcer says "If you're pregnant or may become pregnant, do not take this pill?" Well, the FDA is serious about that, and when I was 16, they had a brilliant idea: why don't they actually MAKE people take a pregnancy test before taking the pill? The idea seems fine-- that way, there's no confusion. Which, I imagine there was a lot of with confusing packaging like the one above. And while there are some potential problems with that system, that's a debate for another time. Because there is one other, more relevant problem: The FDA decided that EVERYONE should have to take this test. Even if that person does not have a womb.

Now, some might remember the news story of Thomas Beatie-- sometimes known as "The Pregnant Man," a trans man who became the first legally recognized man to become pregnant. He's a really fascinating figure, and if you haven't heard about him, definitely look up his story. And while it is true that trans men can feasibly become pregnant, I am a cisgender male who has exactly a 0% chance of being pregnant. When we called my dermatologist to ask if "Male Pregnancy Test" really meant what we thought it meant, she said that it was probably a mistake and I should check with my pharmacy. But, the pharmacist wouldn't give me the medicine because they legally couldn't unless I took the blood test. The pharmacist reached that conclusion after spending about ten minutes on the phone with someone to make sure this was really the case. Since, again, there is no reason I should ever have to take a pregnancy test.

One day, I went to a blood clinic for the official test. Since I was a minor, my dad had to go with me. Before the test, we checked one last time as to whether or not this was really necessary.

Receptionist: Name?

Me: Miles Purinton.

Receptionist: And what are you here for?

Me: A pregnancy test.

Receptionist: No, really, what are you here for?

Me: I am actually here for a pregnancy test. Here is the document saying so.

Receptionist: This...this seems legit.

My Dad: We're worried. He's late. He hasn't had a period in seventeen years.

At the time, I found that last comment really annoying. But, I have to concede that it's really funny.

To make matters worse, when we arrived at the blood clinic, the guy who was taking my blood was new and had no idea what he was doing. The first time he tried to take my blood, he jabbed the needle in, said "Oops," and removed the needle, explaining that he had missed the vein. Which is surprising to me since my arms are incredible pale and I could probably find my vein on the first try. And I'm terrible at blood-taking. I'm also pretty sure he missed the vein the second time he stuck the needle in too, but instead of taking the needle out, he simply squirmed the needle around inside my arm until he found it. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and I felt light-headed by the end of it. For my pains, the clinic gave me a paper cup of orange juice to help me not pass out, and two weeks later I received a piece of paper saying the test came back negative and I was not pregnant.Really dodged a bullet there.

If you're wondering why you never heard of this test, it's because the FDA almost immediately recognized that this was stupid and got rid of the requirement. The M.P.T. only existed for less than a month, and I was one of a handful of people who ever had to take it. Luckily, I still have the piece of paper with the results, which can prove that this actually happened and I am not imagining the whole thing. Because it's pretty ridiculous.

A lot of people have already heard this story. When I was in high school, I was on the Speech Team. Speech team is a wonderful activity, but it is also nearly impossible to explain to anyone who was not a part of it. It's weird. But, in simplified terms, on the speech team, various high schoolers compete in different categories which all involve public speaking and performance in one way or the other. One such category, which I did my senior year, is called Original Oratory, where the speaker performs a ten minute speech that they have written on a topic of their choosing. My speech was about taking too many precautions, and I used this story as the beginning of this speech. I became somewhat well-known on the speech and debate circuit as the "male pregnancy kid."

Ordering The Drink: The best part of being on the speech team was that I got to meet a lot of incredible people-- those who were on my team, and those who I competed against. Some of the most talented people I've ever seen were involved with Speech & Debate, and many have gone on to do great things. some notable speech and debate alumni include John Belushi, Nancy Cartwright, Stephen Colbert, Josh Gad, Kelsey Grammer, Brad Pitt, Zachary Quinto, Paul Rudd, Sonia Sotomayor, Alan Tudyk, Oprah Winfrey, and Weird Al Yankovic.

Also, Brent Spiner who, presumably, delivered an award-winning oratory on how robots are capable of love.

One such talented person I got to meet through speech and debate is my friend Arun. Arun was two grades below me and I was lucky enough to get to coach him when he first started competing. We've remained friends since and I was very proud when he followed in my footsteps and ultimately competed in Original Oratory himself.

A picture of my and Arun in the speech team's practice room in high school.

Well, time flies and, yesterday, Arun celebrated his 21st birthday. And for the occasion, I decided to order a drink in his honor.

He has grown taller since high school. I have not.

Arun was celebrating at a bar called The Whiskey Ward in downtown New York City. It's a fun bar, with an expansive and affordable selection of whiskeys. When I'm not ordering customized drinks, my customary drink of choice is a whiskey sour, and I can attest that their version is excellent.

The bar was, however, quite noisy, so I didn't know how well the bartender would be able to hear me. I went up to order two drinks-- a traditional cocktail for me, and a Male Pregnancy Test for Arun (although if the drink was terrible then I could finish it and he would get my drink, which I ultimately decided would be a Moscow Mule).

When I made the request, it was clear that the bartender could hear me, so my concerns about noise were assuaged. But, then I got scared again, because after I made the request, the bartender said "My brain is so melted right now, I have no idea what you're talking about." I tried to explain again, and reminded him that he could put anything he wanted into the drink, but before I could finish he walked away. 

The bartender at The Whiskey Ward mixes a Moscow Mule and may or may not be making a second drink.

 Arun came over and asked "Is he doing it?" and I replied that I had no idea.

Luckily, the bartender arrived shortly with two drinks. One was clearly the Moscow Mule, and the other looked very similar, but was a little bit darker in color.

The Drink:

The Male Pregnancy Test, after Arun had already had a couple of sips.

Blueberry Vodka

Fresh Lime Juice

Fentiman's Ginger Beer

Assessment of Drink: Now, I've mentioned the Moscow Mule a couple of times. For those of you who don't know, it's made with vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice. You might notice that that is very similar to the ingredients for the Male Pregnancy Test listed above. As the bartender placed the drink down, he said "I just made you a second Moscow Mule. But I made it with blueberry vodka because I think if I had to take a male pregnancy test I'd get blue balls."

And the drink was pretty good. I have to say that, comparing it to the regular Moscow Mule, I definitely preferred the regular. The Male Pregnancy Test wasn't bad, but the blueberry flavor is recognizable enough that it seemed out of place. It made the drink a bit too sweet-- the sourness of the lime and the spiciness of the ginger work well together, but the blueberry was too sweet and didn't really compliment it. It wasn't a bad drink by any means-- but if it was between this and the regular Moscow Mule, I'd choose the regular every time.

Arun, with his Male Pregnancy Test.

 

Does It Live Up To The Name: The blue balls line is...clever, I guess? It's not the worst explanation for a drink that I've heard, but it's certainly not the best. I mean, in the end, what do blueberries really have to do with pregnancy? I feel like with a name as out there as The Male Pregnancy Test, a lot more could have been done with this. I do appreciate that he probably wanted to make me a drink that he knew I would like-- since I ordered a Moscow Mule, he probably guessed that I liked that drink and therefore wanted to make something similar. It's a smart strategy, and one I can respect. But, at the same time, it felt like a bit of a cop-out. Especially given how he could put ANYTHING into this drink, it seemed like he didn't do too much with the opportunity. I don't know, the drink just felt kind of lazy. In the end, it felt like one of the less successful drinks I've gotten for this blog. But while the drink was disappointing, the night was a lot of fun-- it's always great to catch up and celebrate with an old friend.

The drink was so disappointing, that Arun unemotionally strangled me. Or maybe he strangled me because I was making a really creepy possessed-mannequin face.