Drink 30: The Turtle in Times Square

The Name: The Turtle in Times Square                                                                               

The Bar: St. Dymphna's (118 St. Mark's Place, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: A few years ago, my girlfriend at the time and I were browsing through the famous Strand Bookstore. If you don't know about The Strand, it is one of the greatest places in the world, and a true haven for any bibliophile. I always find something great when I'm at The Strand, and this particular excursion probably introduced me to the single greatest book I have ever read: a children's book called How Little Lori Visited Times Square.

It may not look like much, but I promise that it contains many wonders.

I was drawn to the book because, as you can see, it was illustrated by Maurice Sendak, the artist behind such childhood classics as Where the Wild Things Are, Chicken Soup with Rice, In the Night Kitchen, and more. It was sitting on a "rare books" table, and I later found out that it had been out of print for about thirty years. A Maurice Sendak book I'd never heard of? The inner child in me couldn't contain his excitement. So I read the entire book in the store. And when I finished the book I knew two things to be true.

1: This was the most amazing book I had ever read.

2: Under no circumstances should this book be read to children.

It's impossible to truly describe this book. When I finished, I think I was speechless for several minutes. Nothing would be the same again. On the inside cover there's a warning that claims that  "This is a very funny book and should not be read while drinking orange juice, or you will spill it!"And...I have to admit that if I had been drinking orange juice while reading this book I would have probably spat it out.

As the title suggests, the book is about a little boy named Lori who wants to see Times Square. And so, he heads off to try and get there. First, he takes the subway.

Even though almost every single subway line in New York goes directly to Times Square, Lori somehow fucks it up and ends up at South Ferry instead.

So he takes a bus.

The bus, by the way says "DON'T WALK ON THE PIGEONS!!!" on the side of it for...some reason. There are lots of strange bits of text in this book, with billboards simply saying things like "STRING BEANS!" with no explanation. Regardless, Lori's bus trip is about as successful as his subway trip.

By now you've probably caught on to what this book is about. It seems to be a way to teach children about modes of transportation and about places in New York. So, Lori's going to try to get to Times Square in a bunch of different ways and get to a bunch of different places before finally getting to Times Square. A pretty cute idea, right? Things follow this pattern predictably. After the bus, Lori tries to take a taxi. And I know what you're thinking: how could Lori fuck that up? There are no stops for Lori to somehow miss. Well, the taxi driver asks him if he has money to ride in the cab and Lori says no, so the driver says "Please get out then." Note how he does not say "Where are your parents, lost child?" Which...actually is probably in line with what a taxi driver would do. Lori next tried to take the "elevated subway" and ends up at his Uncle Eddie's house in Queens. which is perhaps not as recognizable a location as South Ferry.

The movie suddenly speeds up and Lori has the equivalent of a literary montage to save time, which the author openly acknowledges.

There's a lot going on on these pages. First, that boat is called the "Grampus" for reasons which are never explained. Second, Lori didn't have enough money for a taxi, but can apparently afford a goddamn helicopter. Also, the fact that he's going to "Idlewild Airport" (which was later renamed JFK) betrays the fact that this book was written in 1963. Then he takes a horse and wagon in Central Park, which considering price gouging probably cost even more than the helicopter.

But the pattern still fits. Lori takes some transportation and goes to a location in New York City. That all changes on the next page.

What? Where did the pony come from? And why does it only ride around in a circle? But this is not as stupid as Lori's next idea.

That's right, he jumps into the pool with sea lions at the zoo. This strategy, shockingly, doesn't work. Then he takes an elevator to the 125th floor of Macy's, a store which has never had 125 floors.

Lori is sad and is ready to give up (even though Macy's is only eight blocks away from Times Square) so he sits down and starts to cry. Then this happens.

Never in the entire history of the written word has the word "Suddenly" been more applicable.

What?! A turtle? Where did the turtle come from? And not just a turtle, but a talking turtle. Granted, this book has really stretched the boundaries of plausibility, but the revelation that animals can talk in this world is especially jarring. What does this mean? Why does the turtle talk? Does this mean that the pony could talk too and was just being a dick by riding in a circle and not taking Lori to Times Square?

By the way, the turtle is not just saying "Why?" It's part of a longer sentence. Here's the rest of the sentence.

In all of these pictures, it's really funny to watch as Lori becomes increasingly more distraught.

So, each word is on a separate page. This is done to convey that the turtle talks very slowly. But, this is also done because they needed to fill pages. There was clearly a page limit that the book was not meeting, so the author (Amos Vogel, whose greatest life achievement after this book was, randomly, founding the New York Film Festival) was just like "Fuck it, we put one word on each page." Now you might think I can prove this, but I know this is the truth. And I know that because this is the next page.

So Lori summarizes the book we just read. He says "Because I want to see Times Square, I took a subway and got to South Ferry, and a bus and got to 242nd Street, and a taxi, and the man told me to get out, and the elevated subway and I got to Queens, and a helicopter to Idlewild, a horse and wagon to Central Park, and an elevator to Macy's, where I am now, although I do not want to be here." Lori leaves out the part about the sea lions because even Lori realizes that this was not his brightest idea.

But the turtle has a solution, and she tells Lori that if hops on her back, she can take him to Times Square. I don't want to post all of the pictures because that would take forever, although I should note that for some reason, this time the turtle can suddenly speak three words at a time. And those three words are incredibly odd fragments broken up in what seems to be the most intentionally confusing way possible. She says "Do Not," "Worry My Little," Friend Just Hop," "On And I," "Will Take You," "To..."

Lori hops on the turtle's back and they head off to times Square. Lori holds out his handkerchief in the most pretentious way possible.

So they're on their way. Finally, Lori's story appears to be coming to a close and he has found a way to get to Times Square. This is the next page.

HAHAHAHA TURTLES WALK SLOWLY!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

There is only one page remaining in this book. One page left. Only one page to finish telling the little story that Amos Vogel and Maurice Sendak have put forth. I want you to try and guess what is on the last page of the story. Perhaps it is just a picture of Times Square? Perhaps it is a picture of Lori's smiling face as he and the turtle arrive? There are many viable options.

Scroll down to find out what is on the last page.

Now is when you spit out your orange juice.

Holy shit.

Holy shit, right?

I mean...holy shit.

HOLY SHIT.

You see now why I was stunned into silence after reading this, I'm sure. I bet as you read through this post you were thinking "Come on Miles, this book is kind of silly but nowhere near as bad as you're making it out to be. Certainly not something so amazing as to be hailed the greatest book you'd ever read." But now you understand. Because it is the only kids' book that decides to end on the note of child abduction and possibly murder OUT OF NOWHERE. Seriously, out of nowhere. Remember when you thought this book was about Lori trying to get to Times Square and seeing various places in New York while taking a number of methods of transportation? You were wrong. This book is about how you should not trust talking turtles because they WILL kidnap you (very slowly) and they WILL kill you.

HOLY SHIT.

What I'm saying is I can understand why this book did not become a beloved childhood classic like some of Sendak's other books. And I can understand why Amos Vogel never really made it as a successful children's book author.

I just want to know what happened, because clearly something went wrong between this book's conception and its publication. I think that the publishers probably tried to rush the book

"Come on, Amos, we need an ending."

"Don't rush my work!" 

"Amos, it's a silly book about a kid traveling around New York." 

"I SAID DON'T RUSH MY WORK!" 

"Just write something." 

"Okay, okay, fine. A talking turtle abducts the kid and he's probably dead. You happy?"

And then maybe the publisher published it just to spite him. I don't know. Something must have happened because there is no way this is how the book was pitched.

To make matters stranger, according to his bio, Amos Vogel has two sons. Named Loring and Steve. The book is dedicated "To Steve" and my guess is that the character of Lori is based off of "Loring," because why else would he have chosen to name his young male hero Lori? So...this book is about/dedicated to his own children. And this is what he came up with. Basically, I view this book as Amos Vogel's confession that he abducted his own children.

I didn't buy this book after I first saw it at The Strand. Once I regained consciousness, I just kept looking around and let it stay on the "rare books" table. But I regretted my decision ever since. I would sometimes tell people about this book and they would actively not believe me. "There's no way it ends like that," they'd say. But three weeks ago, I was buying some books and decided to order the book. Because I just had to have it in my possession; because it's the most batshit thing I've ever read, and also because I had to prove to myself that this book was not a massive hallucination on my part. Well, it is real. And I've been carrying the book with me everywhere and showing it to everyone ever since. And everyone has reacted in the same way. Because it's impossible to not react with a mixture of horror, amusement, and amazement after reading How Little Lori Visited Times Square. There's just nothing like it. And I love it so much.

Clearly, I had to get a cocktail to commemorate such a literary achievement. I settled on "The Turtle in Times Square" as the drink name, even though the turtle never makes it to Times Square. As a matter of fact, the whole title of the book is wrong. How Little Lori Visited Times Square implies that he visits Times Square. Not that he tries to visit it and then gets abducted and most likely eaten by a psychotic turtle.

A face soon to be seen on milk cartons everywhere.

Ordering The Drink: I was out having dinner with my friend Ryan (who was, of course, present at this blog's conception) shortly after I purchased How Little Lori Visited Times Square, and so he was one of the very first people I showed the book to. Similarly horrified and amused by the tale's morbid twist, we agreed that it was very necessary that I order "The Turtle in Times Square," and made our way to a nearby bar called St. Dymphna's that Ryan had been to once before and greatly enjoyed. It was a fun place--a nice Irish pub which probably is best suited for beer, but which nonetheless had a reasonably sized liquor selection, and even a list of featured cocktails. It might be best for a pint of Guinness, but it was clear that it could satisfy a cocktail drinker just fine (sure enough, I first ordered a Whiskey Sour and was not disappointed).

But since Irish pubs have not always served me well for this blog, I was still a little tentative as I made my drink request. I explained the rules of the game to the bartender, and there was a definite moment of pause. But it was a decidedly brief moment, and after his second of thought, he responded with gusto, "Let's do it! What's the name?!" I told him "The Turtle in Times Square" and he set about crafting the drink.

As he put it down, I asked him what was in it and he playfully replied, "No, you gotta taste it first and THEN I'll tell you." So I sipped.

"It tastes like sour apple candy," I said.

"Sounds about right," he replied.

The Drink:

The Turtle in Times Square

Crown Royal Regal Apple Whiskey

Lemon Juice

Pimm's liqueur finish

Assessment of Drink: Well...it tasted like sour apple candy. I don't really know what else to say. That's pretty much it. Sour green apple candy has a pretty distinct taste, there's nothing else like it and it's very strong so...yeah it tasted like that. But mixed with whiskey. And while the fruitiness of the Pimm's served to cut the green apple taste a little bit and was actually pretty refreshing, it also accentuated the sweetness. But, yeah, this is probably the easiest drink I've ever had to describe. If you like sour green apple candy you would love this drink. If not...you would not have liked this drink. I am pretty indifferent to the taste of sour green apple candy myself, but I will admit that it was actually kind of intriguing. I'd never tasted a drink like this, so that alone made it stand out. And it wasn't unpleasant. It was actually kinda like the whiskey sour I had just had. Only much more sour green apple-y.

Before I knew what ingredient had given it this distinct flavor, I had guessed apple schnapps but it was, of course, the Crown Royal Apple Whiskey. Flavored whiskeys are still rather unusual, and were initially made to try and replicate the success of flavored vodkas. The clear problem I see here is that while vodka is mostly flavorless and can therefore carry an added flavor more effectively, whiskey is pretty distinct (and delicious). If someone is drinking whiskey, then they want to be able to drink the whiskey. That's why the most common flavored whiskeys are typically honey whiskeys, where the honey is a much milder but nonetheless complimentary flavor (I'm a huge fan of honey whiskey). There are also some more assertively flavored whiskeys out there: Fireball cinnamon whiskey is, of course, incredibly popular, and Crown Royal makes a maple whiskey that I've never had but is supposed to be delicious. But, in those cases, the flavors are more universally popular. Sour green apple candy tastes artificial. It's one of those flavors that some might enjoy, but nobody actually thinks is objectively good.

That being said, if the idea behind the drink was to serve the flavor of the apple whiskey, then it did it's job. The Pimm's on top was a nice touch which added a certain amount of depth to the drink, and the lemon juice brought out some of the actual sourness of the sour green apple, which cut down on it being too unbearably sweet. All in all, the drink worked far better than a drink that tastes like sour green apple candy should. I enjoyed it. And while I won't be rushing out to buy a bottle of Crown Royal Regal Apple, it was definitely a good drink.

Does It Live Up To The Name: When I thought about this drink, I gravitated towards the turtle part. Maybe it's because I know the name's origin, and maybe it's because I feel like turtles are automatically the most important part of any sentence they're a part of.

Pictured: important

Because of this, the entire time I was sipping this drink I was trying to figure out what it had to do with turtles. I kept thinking of the apple. Was it that the apple was green? Like a turtle? Was it that the apple is kind of round but not really? And a turtle is also kind of round but not really? Maybe this drink was stronger than I thought because by the time I finished it I was convinced that there was a very strong connection between turtles and apples. They were BASICALLY the same thing.

It wasn't until the next morning that I realized, "Oh. It probably meant The Big Apple. As in New York. Which is where Times Square is."

So, yeah, that's what I think the bartender was getting at. I think, at least. Ryan and I were lost in conversation so I didn't actually ask the bartender his intention and, in hindsight, I wish I had, because I'd love to know what he felt made this drink turtle-y. Because to me I really don't see it. I will leniently give the drink a pass and say the apple thing conveys Times Square (look, making a drink based on a name is tough so you have to leave room for interpretation) but the turtle is definitely missing. You could have made the drink green! At the very least he could have put a wedge of lime in it and gone "The lime is the turtle, the drink is Times Square, it's a turtle in Times Square, boom there you go." That would have been something.

But I appreciate it regardless. When this blog started, I split my time between going to fancy cocktail bars and more laidback pubs, and have unsurprisingly always gotten better results at the fancy cocktail places. But, in this case, The Turtle in Times Square stood out. Sometimes when I write these posts, I really have to think to try and remember how the drink tasted, even if I enjoyed it at the time. This wasn't the best drink, but I'll definitely remember it for a while. Say what you will about that sour green apple flavor, but one can conjure up the memory of it immediately. And that sort of signature taste can actually be pretty successful. It wasn't just a simple well drink, the bartender at St. Dymphna's took a risk and tried something--he clearly embraced the challenge and I applaud him for it. So, did the drink match the name? Not really. Would I order this drink again? It wasn't bad, but probably not. But, despite this, I'd say my outing to St. Dymphna's, unlike Lori's ill-fated trip to Times Square, was a definite success