Drink 12: Comedian Jack

The Name: Comedian Jack                                                                              

The Bar: Quinn's NYC Bar & Grill (356 West 44th st., NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: I consider myself a very rational person. I’m one of those people who tends to not believe something unless I have proof of it. So, for example, I don’t believe in ghosts as every single video I’ve seen of “real” ghosts caught on camera can be easily explained. To be fair, I’ve spoken to rational and trustworthy people who claim to have had encounters with ghosts, and some have told me stories which I can’t easily explain. But in these situations, I prefer to think that there IS an explanation, and I simply don’t have enough information to know what that explanation is. Now, the following story is not a ghost story, but it falls into the same category for me. There is undoubtedly an explanation behind what I'm about to tell you…but I simply don’t have enough information to tell you what it is.

The story takes place many years ago—I'm pretty sure I was in either fourth or fifth grade. My dad works in fundraising and at the time, he worked at Gilda’s Club—a fantastic organization if you don’t know of it. He was putting together a large gala to feature various acts. It was a pretty big project, which is why, one Saturday morning, he had to check his work messages from home.

My mom and I were talking about something or other when, suddenly, one of us noticed my dad. His face was completely red from laughter. But we hadn’t noticed because it was that type of laughter where he was laughing so hard that no sound was coming out at all. Something was, apparently, very funny on the other line. We asked him what it was…a question that we should have known he wouldn’t be able to answer since, at the moment, he couldn’t do far simpler activities. Like breathing. After several minutes, he finally calmed down and regained his composure. He held out the phone and said “Just…just listen.”

The following is, to the best that I can transcribe it so many years later, the message that I heard on the phone. There are a lot of ellipses used in this transcription. Every time you see one, it means that there was a significant pause in the voicemail. Like, a two or three second pause. And if that doesn’t sound like a long time, actually count out three seconds every time you see the ellipsis. Got it? Are you ready? Here we go:

“My name…is Jack…I am…comedian…I want…to be…in your show…I am comedian…I can be reached at…212…4 I am comedian……5264…My name is Jack…32…My name is…Jack…I want to be in your show…I am comedian…I want to be in your show."

Now, as I said, I heard this message so many years ago and there’s no way that I can remember it exactly. The phone number is definitely made up. But, I feel I did a good job with the transcription. Especially because it’s basically just the same three phrases over and over again—repeated in a seemingly random fashion. Other than the phrases “My name is Jack,” “I am comedian,” and “I want to be in your show,” the only other thing Jack says here is his phone number…and EVEN THEN HE INTERRUPTS HIMSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PHONE NUMBER to say “I am comedian.” And while I don’t remember the phone number, I do remember how he told it. He definitely said “I am comedian” in the middle of the number…and divided it up in a weird way so that you kind of had to hear the message twice to actually figure out the correct phone number.

Now, as I said, I don’t know the full story here. It is very possible that I should not be making fun of Jack at all. It’s possible—probable, even—that English is not his first language. And I really do not intend to mock anyone just for not being able to speak a second language, ESPECIALLY as I do not speak another language myself. It’s further possible that Jack is a noble man with a dream: a dream of being a stand-up comic, and he can think of no better way to start than by volunteering his gift for charity. It’s even possible that the message was meant to be a joke. My family and I were certainly laughing—maybe that was the point? Maybe this message was left in character, as an accurate example of how funny he could be.

But I don’t know. I don’t know if any of these explanations are true. I don’t know if more than one of these explanations are true. I don’t know if none of these explanations are true-- maybe it’s something else entirely. Maybe it was a prank call. I just don’t know. And that's all part of the mystique of Jack the comedian. Jack is a man of mystery. This brief voicemail message is the only thing we ever learned about Jack (my dad, for some reason, did not elect to call him back to include him in the gala). In fact, I know exactly three things about Jack:

1. His name is Jack.
2. He is comedian.
3. He wanted to be in my dad’s show.

That’s it. That’s all we know. I warned you at the beginning that this story has no explanation. It's one of the great mysteries encountered throughout history: crop circles, stonehenge, and a voicemail left by a guy who claims to be named Jack.

Frankly, as much as I don’t believe in that kind of stuff, I wouldn’t be all that surprised to learn that there’s a supernatural reason behind Jack’s message. Maybe Jack is a ghost, speaking from beyond the veil, but he can only deliver his message in twenty words or less. Hence how important it is to make sure we really understand the main points of his message. Maybe he’s an extra-terrestrial, who is still getting a handle on human syntax.

"We come in peace. We want to be in your show."

All I know is that the message was one of the funniest and strangest things I’d ever heard in my life at that point…and it continues to be until this day. Even now, my parents and I still quote the odd voicemail sometimes. He may not have been in the show, but like any good comedian, Jack succeeded in making a lasting impression.

While some comedians have been unable to make an impression of any sort, despite having inexplicably prolific careers.

 

Ordering The Drink: Fans of the blog will remember my friend Kenny, who has shown up several times, and had a drink made in his honor with the Evil Rapping Clown. Well, the other night, I went to see Kenny in a play. Worryingly, he was once again playing a creepy clown. Many actors fear getting typecast. Few worry about getting typecast specifically as an evil clown.

You can visit the show's website here.

Afterwards, a group of Kenny's friends and fans went out to a bar next door called Quinn's. I was, admittedly, a bit skeptical of the type of drink I would receive. The bar was perfectly nice and we all had a great time-- it was a reliable theater district bar. But my impression was that beer was the main item on the menu here-- just like another bar where I received the only definitively bad drink I've gotten for this blog thus far. That's why I chose to assign this bartender the Comedian Jack-- because it struck me as a really easy name to make a drink for. If you put Jack Daniel's in it you'll meet the challenge. As long as the bartender didn't combine it with something awful-- like chocolate milk, dish soap, or sorrow-- then I would probably be fine.

Unfortunately, as I ordered the drink, I became afraid that such a drink would be coming my way after all. The bartender was a sullen man-- not old, but older than a lot of the bartenders I've had thus far. Again, just like the last time I received a bad drink. And, for the first time since I started this blog, I almost thought he would deny the request. When I explained my request, he just kind of stared at me blankly. "What's the drink name, again?" he asked with more than a hint of edge in his voice. "A Comedian Jack," I replied, trying to come across as friendly and unirritating as possible. As he continued to stare at me, I reminded him that he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to, to which he responded, "No, I can do it." And went about making the drink.

To keep myself from feeling too nervous about the drink, I took the time to snap a bad photo of our table from the bar.

Luckily I didn't have to wait for long. Soon, he was back and...amazingly, was all smiles. "Here you go!" he cheerily announced, "a Comedian Jack!" The change was somewhat alarming. The once sullen and cranky bartender was suddenly downright enthusiastic and pleasant and amiable. My guess is that he just had a long shift and I caught him at a bad time at first-- which is totally understandable. It's also possible that, when I wasn't looking, his other bartender had performed a terrifying Stepford Wives-like procedure on him.

"Why Beth, this Jack Daniels and Sorrow is delicious!"

The Drink:

The Comedian Jack

Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey Whiskey

Ginger Ale

Sour Mix

Lime garnish

Assessment of Drink: Showing that you shouldn't judge a bar by its cover, this drink was really delicious! It, of course, helps that I'm a big fan of Jack Daniel's Honey. As far as whiskey's go, it's certainly not the most authentic or potent or even whiskey-like, but it's a delicious liquor to sip, and I feel like even people who don't usually love whiskey would enjoy this one. I've heard it dismissed as being "Whiskey Lite" in the past, but it's delicious and that's what should be most important. I highly recommend it.

This is a simple cocktail, but the other two ingredients work really well with it. The honey whiskey  is, unsurprisingly, predominantly sweet. That sweetness works perfectly with the spiciness of the ginger ale and the sourness of the sour mix. That's a complex flavor profile there, and I like it! It still errs on the side of sweet, of course, but not too overpoweringly so. Really great stuff-- and it's one that would be easy to make at home.

Does It Live Up To The Name: As I mentioned before, this was an easy name to make a drink out of, and the bartender met my expectations. The presence of Jack Daniel's makes the drink fit the name pretty well-- I could definitely see this drink be listed on a drinks menu under its assigned name. There's nothing particularly "funny" about it to imply that this Jack is specifically a comedian, but I don't mind too much. It still worked.

But, maybe since I'd just seen Kenny play a creepy clown and therefore had the Evil Rapping Clown on the brain, I will admit I was hoping for a maraschino cherry garnish-- to represent the clown nose as it did in that drink. That would have been a nice touch-- even though it would have suggested clown instead of comedian. And those are two different things.

Well, usually.

 Overall, it was a great drink, and a great bar. Bars are a dime a dozen around the theater district and Hell's Kitchen, but Quinn's proved to be an above average watering hole. If you need a good reliable bar in the area, I'd certainly recommend it.

Drinks with friends after a show-- nothing is better. Kenny seems happy, and he wasn't even aware the picture was being taken.

Drink 11: The Lord of Sealand

The Name: The Lord of Sealand                                                                                 

The Bar: The Dead Poet (450 Amsterdam Avenue, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: Some of you might know about Sealand. If you do not already, then be prepared: Sealand is about to become your favorite place in the world.

Not to be confused with the terrifying murder park known as SeaWorld, Sealand is a principality off the coast of England which has a rather interesting history. If you want a full detailed description of the principality, you can check out its hilarious wikipedia page here. But I'll be describing all of the highlights here if you don't feel like skimming the full article. What makes Sealand so great? Well, you remember that episode of Family Guy-- back when it was actually a good show-- where Peter discovers that due to a mapping error, his house does not technically fall on U.S. territory and so he declares it its own nation? Well, Sealand is kind of like that. By which I mean it is exactly like  that, but even crazier. To start, Sealand is not actually land at all-- it's a manmade pontoon which was built to be used as a radio tower during WWII.

The majestic nation of Sealand.

That picture is actually a picture of this place.

After maps were being redrawn in the wake of WWII, it's understandable that no one actually claimed the random floating radio station as being part of their territory. Therefore, the radio station went unclaimed and forgotten. Forgotten, that is, until a British army major and pirate radio broadcaster named Paddy Roy Bates moved his family to the radio station and declared it its own nation. The nation of Sealand.

Bates and his wife Joan, holding Sealand's flag.

Now, this may sound ridiculous...and it is. But the thing that makes it more ridiculous is that there's nothing anyone can do to stop him. Technically, the radio station is not owned by anyone. So, technically, Paddy Roy Bates was completely correct-- this manmade pontoon which is only 13 kilometers long qualifies as its own nation. Britain even took him to court to try and prove otherwise and the BRITISH COURT DECIDED THAT THEY DID NOT HAVE JURISDICTION OVER THE AREA. So, the British judicial system itself agrees that Bates is technically correct and it's his own nation. This kind of pisses Britain off-- a nation which is known for once conquering, like, everyone now cannot even takeover an old cantankerous radio DJ and his family. At one point they even sent armed naval ships to the radio tower to ask Bates and his family to leave. But Bates just said no and there was nothing they could do about it so they had to leave. Paddy Roy Bates stood down a navy.

Despite the fact that legally, everything about Sealand is completely sound and it's technically its own nation, it is not recognized by a single world government. Government leaders, presumably, cite the fact that "It's a fucking radio tower" as their reason for not recognizing the nation.

They even have their own currency! The currency is not accepted anywhere other than in Sealand. Sealand has no shops in which you could spend money.

To make things even funnier, Britain isn't the only nation which has claimed ownership over Sealand. At one point, a German lawyer named Alexander Achenbach, who served as Sealand's prime minister and held a Sealand passport, felt that Sealand should be his. Along with a team of German and Dutch forces, he attacked Sealand in an attempt to take it over. It should be noted that Achenbach's small army attacked on speedboats and jet skis. Things got pretty intense-- and the forces went so far as to kidnap Bates' son Michael and hold him hostage. Yeah. I warned you it was intense. Achenbach was tried with treason against the Sealand government and fined 75,000 Deutsche marks. Achenbach, backed by the governments of The Netherlands, Germany, and Austria, appealed to the British courts to overturn this fine, but were unable to successfully do so. Because, again, the U.K. had to admit that they have no jurisdiction at all over this nation.

By the way, Achenbach still claims to be the rightful leader of Sealand and has established his own government, called the Sealand Rebel Government. So...Sealand has not one, but two governments. Beautiful.

They even applied to the U.N. for nation status. The U.N. has yet to vote on their membership status-- because if they did, they might actually have to accept that there's no legal reason to deny them membership. So, they've just chosen not to vote.

As a reminder, the nation in question looks like this.

Here are some other fun facts about Sealand:

• It has its own national anthem, although said anthem does not have any words. 
• When tourists visit Sealand, its population doubles.
• As they have no room for athletic arenas, training grounds, or, frankly, any actual athletes, Sealand obviously has no official sports teams. However, various individual athletes and teams have competed in the name of Sealand-- therefore being "official Sealand athletes." In 2006, a Canadian named Michael Martelle officially represented Sealand in the World Cup of Kung Fu, and won two silver medals-- meaning that Sealand was represented on an official athletic podium. A Sealand team also placed 11th at the 2010 U.K. Ultimate Frisbee National Championships.
• But the best sports news regarding Sealand is that they have a national curling team founded in 2012 which plays out of Minnesota. Also, the official sport of Sealand is mini-golf.
• A mountaineer with the awesome name of Kenton Cool placed Sealand's flag at the summit of Mount Everest last May.
• And, lastly, in 2006, the platform caught fire due to an electrical failure. Making it the only nation in history that has ever almost burned down. Luckily, the fire was put out. By a tugboat.

 

Sealand on fire.

Clearly, I love Sealand. The second I learned about it, I was fascinated. Quite frankly, the fact that Sealand exists makes me so unbelievably happy. There's something so magical about the fact that this could happen-- that a radio tower can legally claim itself to be its own nation and that no governing body has any ability to deny it. It makes the world seem more wondrous and full of possibilities-- that anything could happen. If Sealand exists, perhaps centaurs do too? You really never know.

The entire population of Sealand waves to a plane overhead.

I try to tell as many people as humanly possible about the existence of Sealand, so that they may experience the same joy that it has brought me. If you and I have a conversation for long enough, eventually I will start telling you about Sealand.

And then, my freshman year of college, the greatest thing ever happened. You see, as a source of revenue, people may purchase various titles which can be bestowed upon them by the Sealand government. Clearly aware of my infatuation with the magical floating radio tower, some friends found this out and, as a birthday present, my wonderful friends Charley and Mara bought me a Lordship.

This means that I am, officially, a Lord of Sealand. It is my proudest accomplishment in life and I did absolutely nothing to achieve it. Which makes this Lordship fit very much with the spirit of Sealand, no?

Ordering The Drink: My friend Kenny and I were out at The Dead Poet-- my personal favorite bar in my neighborhood on the Upper West Side. While a bit small, this place just has a great vibe, and a really awesome literary theme. It's decorated with quotes from famous authors about alcohol, and features a special list of cocktails named after dead poets (my personal favorite drink to get is the Walt Whitman).

At first, I was not planning on ordering a drink for this blog, having made a post so recently, but I decided that I had to after meeting our server, Liam. Liam is awesome-- he had a great and quirky energy and was just a lot of fun. He even brought us free popcorn!

Kenny inhales the popped corn.

Seriously, Liam is the greatest. We're facebook friends now. Not even kidding. Liam, if you're reading this, then hi! You're famous now!

I knew immediately that he'd be on board for taking a weird drink request, and have been wanting to order a drink by this name for a while, so I decided to go for it. Sure enough, Liam accepted the request without hesitation and passed the order onto the bartender, a guy named Tim.

In just what might truly be the worst picture I've taken for this blog, Liam gives our drink order to Tim. Liam is the one blob talking to the other blob.

 Not too long after, the drink came out, served in one of the Dead Poet's custom glasses. Fun fact-- they have a drink called The Dead Poet which is served in a customized Dead Poet glass which you get to keep!

The Drink:

Crown Royal Whiskey

Ginger Ale

Lime

Assessment of Drink:When the drink was first set down Kenny wondered if it was the same as the one that he had ordered, just in a different glass.

The Tennessee Williams and the Lord of Sealand, together at last.

But they were, of course, very different (the Tennessee Williams, by the way, is a traditional sweet tea and vodka). My first impression of the Lord of Sealand is that it is quite refreshing! The Crown Royal pairs well with ginger ale, and the lime is a nice acidic touch-- not overpowering but there's definitely a pleasant hint of it. There's not too much to say about this one, to be honest. It was good. Crisp. Would order again.

Not only would I order it again, but I've had it in the past. You see, this particular blended whiskey is known to go specifically well with ginger ale, so this cocktail is already rather well-known under the apt name of Crown & Ginger. So I've had this drink before and had enjoyed it before. And this one was very well done-- good job, Tim.

I'm actually not that surprised to have received a drink which already existed. I mentioned that The Dead Poet features drinks named after dead poets-- but these are not new cocktails. Many of them are already pre-existing cocktails which have been assigned to various poets. Whitman is a Long Island Iced Tea, Dylan Thomas is a dirty martini, Langston Hughes is a sidecar, etc. So, it makes sense to me that this drink would not be completely new and never seen before.

Does It Live Up To The Name: Now, you might remember that the last time I received a previously-existing drink, I was rather disappointed at the lack of originality. But that's because the drink had very little to do with the name, and so it felt lazy. In this case, the drink really works. The Crown Royal is a great way to imply the title of Lordship. "Crown," get it? And the lime feels tropical, and puts one in mind of the seaside (hence, Sealand). And, remember, the bartender doesn't ever know the story behind the name-- just the name itself-- so to the tie-in to the sea is a pretty good way of handling this. That's what I like about The Dead Poet's drinks-- these are tried and true cocktails, but they're made well and, more importantly, the poets assigned to each drink make sense (the jazz-age cocktail the Sidecar, for example, is a great fit for Hughes, and a Mississippi Mud martini is an obvious fit for Mark Twain). 

So, this might not be the most inventive drink I've gotten for this blog thus far, but it still tasted great and was a strong fit for the name. Both the "Lord" and "Sealand" were represented. All in all, a great drink, which left me with few complaints. Many thanks to Liam and Tim for providing one of the more successful drinks on this list. And, as an added bonus, Crown Royal whiskey is a Canadian brand-- and, if you remember, many of Sealand's official athletes are Canadian. So, unwittingly, the actual principality of Sealand got to be represented here anyway.

And now, to end this post, I'll end with a poem from the esteemed dead poet, Dorothy Parker:

I like to have a martini

Two at the very most

After three, I'm under the table

After four I'm under my host

Cheers, and may God bless the great nation of Sealand.

Drink 10: Shut the Box

The Name: Shut the Box                                                                      

The Bar: The Rum House (228 West 47th Street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: Firstly, I'd like to apologize to fans of this blog for the lack of posts recently. I've just been super busy and really haven't had the time or the opportunity to go out to bars lately. This means I haven't had anything to write about for the past month. I'd furthermore like to apologize for the fact that, after a long wait for this post, the story behind the drink name is weird.  And not that funny. Seriously, I have a feeling that I'm the only person who will actually find this story funny at all. So, I apologize if this is super underwhelming. I promise there are bona fide good stories behind the names of drinks to come.

As you already know, I work as a magic toy salesman, and like any job, there are positives and negatives. One of the negatives is that the job can be almost excruciating when it's slow in the store. For one thing, I work partially on commission, so when it's a slow day, you know you're not going to be taking home a big paycheck and there's nothing you can do about it. But, that's fine, and a busy day can more than make up for it. The worst part of slow days is the fact that, when there's no one in the store, it means you're doing absolutely nothing. And you have nothing to distract you. If it's really slow, you end up standing around with nothing else to keep my mind occupied, waiting for someone to walk by. You get bored. And anxious. And the sound of a Kidz Bop cover of New York, New York playing for the fifteenth time that day can really drive you insane. You just want to do your pitch for someone, not because they might buy the toy, but because it would mean that you're doing something, anything. Unfortunately, on days like this, when someone finally does walk by, I get excited, put on a too-wide smile and over-eagerly say "HEY WANT TO SEE A MAGIC TRICK?!" while shooting lights out of my fingers and it ends up scaring my potential customer off. It's a bad cycle. To keep myself from getting to this pathetic point, it's a good idea to wander a bit and find something entertaining. Luckily, I demonstrate in the giant Toys R Us in Times Square, and in the world-famous FAO Schwarz. And these stores have no shortage of fun things to look at.

A couple of days ago I had one such slow day and wandered about. I happened upon the board game section. Now, if you go to any toy store, I highly recommend you go to the board game section because there happen to be a lot of board games out there. Way more than you would have thought existed. And you will not have heard of most of them. Amidst famous games like Monopoly and Clue, you will find some really weird and obscure ones. Sure enough, I happened upon one such board game on this particular trip, and I took a picture of it.

 

The game is called Shut-the-Box.

And, perhaps because it had been a very long and very slow day, and perhaps because I'd been working for several days in a row and been taking on extra shifts, I just thought this was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.

It's nothing about the game itself. It looks like it could be interesting. It has tiles. And numbers. Reminiscent of Rummikub-- a game I really like. And there are dice which is, you know, pretty standard for a board game. It's nothing about the game itself that was funny at all.

No, I found it hilarious solely because of the name.

Shut The Box.

The name of this game seriously had me laughing audibly in the aisle of the toy store. People were giving me odd looks. Then I shot light out of my fingers and they gave me odder looks.

You're probably wondering why I found then name Shut The Box so funny. Well...I honestly couldn't tell you. As I mentioned at the start of the post, I've been really busy and maybe feeling overworked has caused my mind to slowly deteriorate to the point that I find this combination of three words to be the epitome of humor. I couldn't tell you, but this is possible.

I guess the main reason that I found this name so funny is that it struck me as quite simply the worst thing you could ever call a game. Seriously, if someone asked if you wanted to play a game called Shut the Box, there is no way you would say yes. The name gives a pretty clear indication of what the game is going to involve (namely, shutting boxes) and it's less than thrilling. There's a box. And you shut it. It's on par with calling a game Dry the Paint or Throw the Stick. This game sounds like the creation of a babysitter who is out of ideas.

Babysitter: Hey, kids, we're going to play Shut the Box.

Kids: How do you play?

Babysitter: Here. Shut this box.

Kids: Okay.  (They shut the box) There. We shut the box.

Babysitter: Congratulations! You win! (The babysitter opens the box again) Let's play again.

I should clarify that I don't actually think this is how the game is played. There are certainly actual rules, and an objective other than simply shutting a box. Or, maybe the point of the game is to shut a box, but there are obstacles you put in your competitor's way. I don't know. I honestly have no idea how this game is played. All I know is that the name alone struck me as really, really funny. 

Some of you are probably completely confused right now and have no idea why I found this funny at all.  I'm hoping that some of you, though, might understand why it's funny. "Yeah," I'm hoping you will think, "That is a boring name and that fact is kind of amusing." But...even if you fall into this second group of people...I want to stress to you that I found this REALLY funny. Much funnier than it actually is. And I'm aware of that. It's nowhere near as hilarious as I found it to be. Not even close. But...even now I find this idea inexplicably hilarious.

I think I've been around toys way too much lately.

This is apparently what the game looks like. And now I'm confused because...that's not a lot of stuff. MAYBE THIS GAME ACTUALLY DOES JUST INVOLVE SHUTTING THE BOX. MAYBE IT IS ACTUALLY THAT STUPID.

I've since looked up the game and the mystique just gets weirder and weirder. Apparently, it's a classic pub game and has many other names-- including Batten Down the Hatches, Canoga, Casablanca, Clapper, Double Shutter, Down & Out, High Rollers, The James Bond Box, Klackers, Klipp Klapp, Lights Out!, Nine-Up, Numbers Down, Shut Eye, Stop-Stop, Trick-Track, Wake Up Giants!, Zoltan Box, and...my favorite of this list...Zock.

The game involves "opening" a series of tiles which you then "shut," depending on the roll of the dice. For some reason, these tiles must represent boxes. The game also has weird terminology. There are two types of gameplay-- called "Golf" and "Missionary." I'm sure I could make a joke about one of the styles of play being called "Missionary," but I honestly don't think it's necessary-- it speaks for itself. The rules seem complicated, but learnable...but frankly, I don't want to learn how to play this game. I'd prefer to just believe that the game actually is shutting a box. And that when you shut the box, you win. So, I'm going to go on believing that the name really is straightforward and that the game is ridiculously simple. And that people will pay $24.99 for this at FAO Schwarz.

Here's a really fancy version of the game which, hopefully, comes with the bottle of wine included. Being drunk would make my version of the game much more difficult, I would imagine.

Ordering The Drink: After another slow day at work, I decided to get a drink at the reliable bar The Rum House in Times Square. As far as bars in Times Square go, it's relatively affordable and consistently good. Plus, they unsurprisingly feature a really great selection of rum

The elegant bar at The Rum House

While I have a long list of potential drink names for this blog that I could have ordered...Shut the Box was really on the brain. And even if nobody else finds this funny, it was enough for me to select it as a drink name. While it really is a lousy name for a game, I do think it could be an interesting name for a cocktail. I had no idea what sort of drink I would receive. The name-- out of context-- brings to mind, to me, the myth of Pandora, so maybe that could serve as inspiration? I don't know.

I ordered the drink from a bartender named Ivan, who is awesome. Definitely one of my favorite bartenders that I've met doing this blog. He accepted the challenge without question, slyly smiling at the request as he said "I can work with that." 

Ivan at work.

He went about making the drink with confidence, and after darting about behind the bar for a while, poured the cocktail into a glass. Before serving it, he dipped a straw into the drink and tasted his handiwork. Tasting the concoction seemed to inform his choice of garnish-- a thick peel of lemon. But, before adding the lemon to the drink, he took a lighter to it and held it above the drink, then held the lemon into the flame. This technique is called Flaming a Lemon Peel and it's a really cool technique. The fire slightly caramelizes the oil on the citrus peel and thus enhances the flavor of it, giving the garnish more prominence in the cocktail. Plus, it's a really great bit of showmanship. When there's a burst of flame involved in the making of your drink, you know it's going to be good. With that final flourish, Ivan placed the drink before me.

Sadly, I just missed getting the flame in the picture-- so depicted here is Ivan holding the lemon post-fire

The Drink:

Rye Whiskey

Cocchi Americano

Honey Syrup

Chocolate Bitters

Orange Bitters

Angostura Bitters

Flamed Lemon Peel

Assessment of Drink: Absolutely delicious. Really, really great. What struck me about this is how well-balanced it was. This drink has notes of sweetness, notes of sourness, notes of smokiness, and notes of bitterness, and all four are balances perfectly. The choice of rye whiskey-- which tends to have a bit more spiciness and fruitiness than most bourbons-- was a perfect compliment to the variety of bitters and honey. The Cocchi Americano-- an Italian apertif wine which is used in several classic cocktails-- is a new ingredient for me, so I can't really speak to its individual flavor or how it affected the drink, but it was great to have an unfamiliar and unusual ingredient included.

Also, I cannot stress enough how great the flamed lemon peel was. I don't know how much it actually changed the taste of the drink, but the showmanship was phenomenal and made this drink memorable. I mean, if you have a chance to invent a drink and put anything you want in it, why not include fire?

As I sipped my Shut the Box, Ivan and I talked and I commended him for his choice of rye whiskey (funny how I got rye at The Rum House, but didn't get it when I ordered a drink at The Rye House). He mentioned that rye is an ingredient in one of his favorite cocktails called the Final Ward-- a play on the more classic The Last Word, but the Final Ward uses rye in place of gin. I already mentioned that Ivan is one of my favorite bartenders I've met doing this blog, and I really want to stress how personable he was. It helped that the bar was not yet busy, but he spoke to me at length about the drink and his thought process behind making it (he seemed to really enjoy the task of having to make a drink on name alone, as it meant he didn't have to make a drink based on any specific flavor profile) and showed genuine interest in the blog and this whole experiment. Even though I was at the bar alone for this particular order, I felt very well taken care of. I'll definitely be returning to The Rum House with some friends should I ever be in the Times Square area.

But even if Ivan had been sullen and rude, this would still be one of the best drinks I've had for this blog thus far. It might even be my favorite-- I just can't decide between this one and My Only Jacket. But, who says it needs to be a competition? Both are great drinks-- and I think that what makes both of them succeed is that the bartenders made a drink that they would want to drink. Given Ivan's predilection for rye, you could see his handiwork in the drink. Although I only got the one drink, I was honestly tempted to order another. It was really delicious, and one that I think would appeal to a broad range of tastes.

Does It Live Up To The Name: Yes...but I'm not really sure why. Maybe because the drink was so tasty and I was so hard-pressed to find fault with it, it just seemed right. There wasn't anything particularly boxy about it, but...I don't know, it worked. The color-- a kind of light tan-- looked like the color of a soft wood, and for some reason when I hear "Shut the Box," I immediately think of a wooden box. And the lemon garnish-- because it was such a wide piece of rind rather than, say, a twist, acted a bit like the lid of the box-- placed on the shut the box. And maybe lighting it on fire implies welding the lid shut? I don't know if that makes any sense. And I don't care, it makes sense to me.

As I mentioned, Ivan talked a bit about his reasoning behind the name. He said at first he was thinking of something like tequila-- some sort of bolder liquor that really packs a punch. But ultimately he decided against it. Since the drink was not called, say, Slam the Box, he wanted the drink to be smoother and calmer. And he wanted it to feel complete-- since the box is shut, there's nothing else to be done. I can say that he definite succeeded-- it was a very full drink and was incredibly smooth.

But, ultimately, Ivan's reasoning behind the name seemed to be that this drink fit the name because...it just did. And I can't really find fault in that. This name doesn't have any obvious connections to anything relating to mixed drinks, so it's not like he missed some big opportunity with the name. And, let's be honest, a lot of drink names have very little to do with the drink. What about a Sidecar makes it like a sidecar? What makes a Sazerac a Sazerac? Probably the worst offender for me is the Mint Julep, which sounds like a delightful and light and refreshing drink, yet which is pretty much straight bourbon cut only by mint and, depending on who you ask, some sugar. That certainly sounds delicious, but is a far cry from the whimsical-sounding name of "Julep." So, while there's isn't something about this drink that particularly screams "Shut the Box," it undeniably worked. If I saw this drink under that name on a drinks menu, I wouldn't question it in the slightest. And, in many ways, the fact that the drink works so well with the name despite not having an identifiable connection to it makes this one even more impressive.

All in all, despite the potentially strange choice of "Shut the Box" as a drink name (and I really do apologize to everyone out there who is completely confused as to what I find so funny about this) the Shut the Box is definitely one of the most successful outings I've had in my pursuit for unusual drinks. Much thanks to Ivan, the Rum House, and the makers of obscure board games everywhere for a truly fantastic drink. This drink was a great way to end an otherwise slow day of toy-selling.

Justin Bieber also has his own board game. And now I'm sad again.