Drink 14: Detective Thomas

The Name: Detective Thomas                                                                                 

The Bar: Knave-- at Le Parker Meridian (118 West 57th st.)

The Story Behind The Name: For several summers, I worked as a camp counselor. At this particular camp, counselors were assigned to a group to work with-- divided by age and, for the younger kids, gender. I was assigned to work JB1, the group of five year old boys, which required a lot of energy. A lot of energy. But, I worked with some really great people, it was tons of fun, and I unsurprisingly have a lot of great stories from it (some of which might show up in later entries for this blog). The thing about little kids is that they are incredibly entertaining. Remember, Bill Cosby had an entire show based around the fact that kids are super weird and say amusing things. Well, that show was basically my life for three summers.

Once they had "Pirate Day" at camp and I took full advantage of this. I had a penguin on my shoulder instead of a parrot, which I thought was funny but the five year olds all thought was stupid.

Of the many kids that I got to be the counselor for, one stands out as saying the most darnedest of things. His name was Thomas, and even at the age of five, I think he should have a career in stand-up. This kid was hilarious. We're specifically told not to play favorites with the kids, for obvious reasons. And I really did genuinely like and care for all of my campers...but if I'm being honest, Thomas was one of my favorites. To be fair, I had lots of favorites, but Thomas was  DEFINITELY one of them.

Thomas had many funny quirks, but my favorite was that he would consistently point out really obvious things. This may not sound funny, but take a look at these verbatim conversations. I've put Thomas' lines in italics.

"Okay, guys, it's time to go swimming!"
"That means we go to the swimming pool."

 "Okay, JB1! We're going to play tennis! So we're headed to the tennis courts!"
"That's where we play tennis."

"I hope you're all hungry because iiiiiiit's lunchtime!"
"That's when we eat lunch!"

These are undoubtedly amusing, but imagine hearing similar observations made by the same kid multiple times a day, five days a week, while you and a group of five other young adults and teenagers try to wrangle over thirty excited five year-old boys in ninety degree weather. Imagine just HOW HILARIOUS each new observation would become. It would be like the very best of Arrested Development's running gags, but in real life.

It's funny because none of them sound or move like real chickens --Thomas

These observations became a highlight of the day. And the other counselors and I were lucky because Thomas seemed more than happy to make numerous observations as the day went on. Due to his ability to figure out the incredibly obvious, we all nicknamed him "Detective Thomas," a moniker which he seemed perfectly happy with and which several of the other campers started using too. Because of how much we enjoyed Detective Thomas' sleuthing skills, the counselors and I would try to set up situations where Detective Thomas could crack the case.

"Okay, guys, it's time to put on some sunscreen. Does anyone know what that SCREENS us against? Detective Thomas?" 
"The sun!"
"GOOD JOB! YOU SOLVED ANOTHER ONE, DETECTIVE THOMAS!"

Then, there was the fateful day that another camper, Peter, turned six. The other counselors and I were so excited because we knew this offered lots of opportunities for mysteries that Thomas could lend his skills to. We brought Peter up in front of the group.

"Okay, everyone. It's Peter's birthday! That's awesome! Peter, how old were you yesterday?" we asked.

"Five!" Peter dutifully replied.

"And how old are you today?" we asked.

"SIX!" Peter replied excitedly.

"Wow!" we said, feigning excitement. "Now, Peter, this is a tough one. How old will you be tomorrow?"

"Six!" said Peter. He was not taking any of our funny business and would not be done in by our incredibly easy riddle.

"Very good." Peter had proven to be a worthy opponent...but it was time to test the detective. "Hey, Thomas! If Peter is six today, how old will he be on his next birthday?" We were so excited. Thomas was going to nail this.

"Five!" Thomas confidently replied.

The other counselors and I stared at each other. We had no idea what to do. Surely the five (and six) year old campers could sense our worry, but we had no time to concern ourselves with them. Detective Thomas had said something that was clearly wrong. We didn't know how to react to this. I like to think that all of the counselors connected psychically in that moment. We agreed that it was important for Detective Thomas to be absolutely correct about everything-- even if this changed the basic rules of time and mathematics. We all burst out laughing, and replied.

"Well, if Detective Thomas says you'll be five next year, then he must be correct! I guess you're going to be five again next year, Peter. Sorry about that," we said. Peter, showing maturity far beyond his years, took this news very well and happily returned to his seats.

That moment started a new tone at camp. Thomas, in all of his sleuthing glory, seemed to realize that we found the fact that he got this question wrong INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING and he was more than happy to oblige. For the rest of the summer, Thomas no longer pointed out obvious things, now he seemed to be completely incorrect about everything.

"Okay, guys, it's time to go swimming!"
"Are we going to play baseball?"
"YES, DETECTIVE THOMAS! YES WE ARE!"

As you can see, Detective Thomas is a true legend, and so I decided to order a drink in his honor.

Ordering The Drink: Before I get to the actual drink itself, I want to talk about Le Parker Meridian hotel in New York City. It's a swanky hotel near Carnegie Hall and is, by all accounts, a lovely hotel. Very lavish. Here are some pictures.

Fancy lobby!

Fancy lobby, but taken by me on my phone. I think the professional one a smidgen better at capturing the lobby's majesty.

 But, amidst its seemingly-fancy nature, Le Parker Meridian has a secret. If you don't know to look for it, you'd miss it, but if you chance to look to your right while you walk through the lobby, you might catch a glimpse of a little alleyway. One with this sign hanging on it.

It's a burger. And it's there because, in Le Parker Meridian hotel, there is a secret greasy burger joint, known as Burger Joint.

I wonder if Detective Thomas would be able to figure out what food they serve there.

 It's a pretty awesome place. For a long time, it was a secret and only those "in the know" even knew of its existence. Now, it's a lot more famous (and How I Met Your Mother made an entire episode based on it) but it still has the feel of a secret place that nobody knows about. The burgers are tasty, but the environment is just really cool. Plus, a lot of celebrities go there (and write their names on the walls). The first time I went there, I saw Kathy Griffin. Anyway, I happened to be in the area one day, and decided to stop in for a burger. It was a great decision.

I mention this part of the story because people should know about the Burger Joint if they don't already. But also to brag about how I got to eat a delicious burger.

It was even more delicious than the picture makes it look.

As I left the Burger Joint, I walked through a bar area, and thought that the perfect way to wash down this burger was with a custom-ordered drink. The bar area is called Knave, and looks like this:

Fancy bar!

Or, on my low-quality phone...

Note the red drapes. They are the red carpet of drapes.

I went to the bar, which had two people behind it. One woman was busy, so I asked the other bartender-- a guy who looked young enough to be one of my campers-- whether it would be possible for him to make me a drink based on the name alone. He looked kind of terrified. I was worried that my request might get denied. Luckily, the female bartender came to his rescue and asked me what the name was. When I said "The Detective Thomas," she said she'd be able to make something and asked me to take a seat in one of the very fancy chairs that surround the bar.

After a little while, a waitress came over and brought me a plate of snacks. Even though I'd just eaten, this was awesome, and Knave had already scored a bunch of points in my book.

Fried olives! And nuts!

A few minutes, and a few fried olives later, the waitress returned with my drink. She had clearly been told about my unusual order, as she said "You have to let me know what you think," as she placed the drink down.

The bartenders at Knave work on my drink. God, I suck at taking pictures.

The Drink:

 

Gin

Soda

Muddled lemon and lime

Elderflower Liqueur

Assessment of Drink: Much like a previous drink I ordered for this blog-- the Comedian Jack-- I had a distinct idea of what I thought this drink would be. The "Thomas" part of the name immediately made me think that, if I were making this drink, I'd make it like a Tom Collins-- a classic cocktail of gin, soda, and lemon juice. As soon as the drink was sat down, I knew that this bartender had clearly thought along the same lines. The lemons floating in it-- and the fact that it looked like a gin-based drink-- indicated that this had the elements of a Tom Collins. Now, of course, this couldn't JUST be a Tom Collins-- there had to be something else to make it specifically a "Detective Thomas" (if I were making the drink, I would have put something red in it-- maybe grenadine or muddled strawberries-- to allude either to A Study in Scarlet or the term "red herring").

 

As I tasted my drink, I was immediately looking to see if there was something unexpected at play. I have to say, this drink was absolutely delicious. Summer had just come to the city, and this drink was appropriately refreshing-- I could see sipping this on a porch somewhere. And, sure enough, there was clearly something else. Gin, check. Soda, check. Citrus, check (there were muddled lemons and limes instead of lemon juice-- a nice touch). I couldn't place it. It tasted almost like anise, but a bit milder since that is a somewhat overpowering flavor. I decided not to dwell on identifying the flavor (which I was later informed was elderflower liqueur) and simply enjoyed my light and refreshing drink. If Detective Thomas had been there, he would have said "It tastes good!" Except that he is probably only nine years old now, so...he probably would have said "I am too young to drink that!"

Does It Live Up To The Name: Absolutely. This was exactly the drink I hoped to receive when I ordered this drink. The take on a Tom Collins was perfect for the name. And the elderflower liqueur was a perfect addition--not something that anyone would guess (except for a great detective). Not only was it a fantastic mystery ingredient, but it tasted great, and complimented the citrus and gin (if you are interested in trying elderflower liqueur, the best known one is called St. Germain and can be found at most well-stocked liquor stores). I would not only be happy to have this drink again, but I would call it a Detective Thomas every single time.

I also have to mention the great staff at Knave! It was a great group and I got to talk to them a bit after I had finished my drink. The waitress and the female bartender had apparently concocted the drink together and were really happy with their efforts. They asked if this was an experiment, and seemed excited to hear about the blog and that they were going to check it out (If you're reading this, Knave staff, thanks again for the drink! Sorry this took so long to post!)

So, if you're ever near the Parker Meridian hotel and in the mood for a burger, be sure to stop at Knave for a quick drink. Do it for Detective Thomas.

I took a picture of the ceiling at Knave because it was cool. And because I clearly need more practice at taking pictures on my phone.

A professional picture of the burgers at Parker Meridian. My pictures really didn't do them justice.

Drink 13: The Traveling Teddy Bear

The Name: The Traveling Teddy Bear                                                                     

The Bar: Blue Bar (59 West 44th Street, in the Algonquin Hotel)

The Story Behind The Name: When we are younger, we all become attached to our toys. There's no rhyme or reason to it, but sometimes we just connect with them. They're important, and they're meaningful. The bond between a person and their childhood toys is truly everlasting. This is why everyone cries at the end of Toy Story 3.

If you claim that you didn't cry, then you're a liar. A bald-faced liar. Everyone cried.

For me, the most important toy of my childhood was my teddy bear, uncreatively named "Baby." Given to me before I was born, Baby has grown up with me. As a logical adult, I'm not exactly sure why Baby had such an effect on me. As you can see in the pictures below, his expression is kind of sad and he looks perpetually worried-- it's a little unsettling. I guess I attached to baby because he was so soft, but I really don't know. All I know is that Baby has been a part of my life for my entire life. Most of my friends have met baby at this point, and the two of us have grown up together. At one point, as I was growing up, I decided that Baby would be renamed "Kid," but this new name never lasted. He's 24 years old now, but he will always be Baby, and he still sits by my bed every night.

Baby is also the one item that I cannot travel without. If I'm going anywhere, Baby is going with me. Anywhere I've traveled, Baby has traveled there too. He came to college with me, and is next to me as I right this post right now. Most impressively, he's been to three continents and eight countries.This makes him a traveling teddy bear-- the namesake of this drink.

Baby's status as the traveling teddy bear was cemented on a recent family trip to Barcelona. Before we went, my parents decided to make Baby a passport.

Baby poses with his passport.

A lot of effort clearly went into this project. They later told me that it took several hours to complete, which seems like a lot of time to spend on something so silly. But, regardless, Baby is now a certified traveling teddy bear.

He has a passport picture and everything.

As we entered Spain, my mom really wanted to try and get the customs people to stamp Baby's passport. We decided not to do this, as customs people are not really known for their sense of humor and we didn't want to be flagged on the return flight home.

Ordering The Drink:  Since I work in Times Square, I obviously, spend a lot of time there. And, knowing that I have a drinks blog to maintain (to my regular readers, I apologize for how long it has been between posts-- I've been super busy but should be able to update more regularly now) I researched some of the best bars for cocktails in the area. There are three bars which constantly appear on this list, and I've been to two of them (which have given me the two best drinks I've had for this blog so far) so I was curious to try the third. I went to that bar to order this drink and...it was too crowded and I was told there was a twenty minute wait. I decided to wait for another day. After all, since I'm in the area, I'll have multiple opportunities to go to the bar.

I've now visited that bar three times and been unable to get in because it's been so crowded.

I still plan to go there at some point-- maybe I'll get lucky and there'll be a spot at the bar for me, so watch this space! [UPDATE: I have since gone to this bar, and you can read about my experience here.] But on the third occasion where I had to leave, I passed by another bar I'd not heard of-- called Blue Bar, which is located in the Algonquin Hotel. I looked in and it seemed like it could be interesting. Plus, I really wanted to order the Traveling Teddy Bear, so I decided to take a risk and try Blue Bar.

Upon stepping in, it's obvious how Blue Bar got its name-- it's blue. Really blue. Bright blue lights everywhere. If you don't like the color blue, do not go here.

It's really blue, guys.

Seriously, look at this place!

This photo has not been altered...but it's even bluer in person.

I went to the bar and was greeted by a friendly Romanian man named Cristian. He certainly gave me the warmest greeting I've gotten in the pursuit of this blog-- incredibly nice. To be honest, I had found the blueness of the room a little off-putting, but Cristian made me feel right at home.

I asked if he could make me a drink based on a name alone and he jovially replied "Absolutely! Anything you want!" and, after I told him the chosen name, he set about making the drink.

Cristian at work.

The Drink:

Drinks in the picture may be less-blue than they appear.

Ron Zacapa Rum
Herradura Tequila
Sherry
Grapefruit Juice
Green Apple Puree 

Assessment of Drink:

Cristian did not disappoint. This was a really great drink. Cristian made it very strong (he told me his mantra that "No drink should have less than three different alcohols in it"), but despite how strong it was, it was surprisingly smooth-- it didn't feel too overpowering and went down easily. I think that the secret ingredient here was the green apple puree. Although I love granny smith apples, I tend to stay away from anything green apple flavored as it almost always tastes artificial, but here it was absolutely perfect-- it complemented the tartness of the grapefruit juice while also adding the sweetness that the drink really needed. It was an unusual drink-- if I saw this list of ingredients on a menu together I wouldn't really know what to think, and the sherry and green apple could have easily seemed out of place, but it really worked.

The Traveling Teddy Bear from another angle, where you can see a bit more of the brownish coloring.

 

Does It Live Up To The Name:

I was worried going into the bar about getting a childish drink, but as already mentioned, this was probably one of the strongest drinks I've gotten on this blog (thanks, Cristian!) Cristian later elaborated on his thought process-- he wanted to give me something sweet, but strong, and that makes a lot of sense. A traveling teddy bear has clearly been around a long time--my own traveling teddy bear, after all, is a stuffed animal that has lasted for 24 years. So, "sweet but strong" is definitely the right vibe to aim for when making this drink, I think. The sweetness of the green apple and the sherry complimented the strength of the rum and tequila.

While I don't know if Cristian did this intentionally, the eclectic nature of the ingredients definitely made me think of travel. Sherry plus tequila isn't a combination you see every day (it has been a recent trend to combine them, but isn't a classic combination by any definition of the term).

Ultimately, I had a very positive experience. If you can handle the incredible amounts of blue in the Blue Bar, it's worth a visit. Hopefully you'll get to meet Cristian while you're there-- be sure to try his signature drink, a twist on the Manhattan.

Drink 12: Comedian Jack

The Name: Comedian Jack                                                                              

The Bar: Quinn's NYC Bar & Grill (356 West 44th st., NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: I consider myself a very rational person. I’m one of those people who tends to not believe something unless I have proof of it. So, for example, I don’t believe in ghosts as every single video I’ve seen of “real” ghosts caught on camera can be easily explained. To be fair, I’ve spoken to rational and trustworthy people who claim to have had encounters with ghosts, and some have told me stories which I can’t easily explain. But in these situations, I prefer to think that there IS an explanation, and I simply don’t have enough information to know what that explanation is. Now, the following story is not a ghost story, but it falls into the same category for me. There is undoubtedly an explanation behind what I'm about to tell you…but I simply don’t have enough information to tell you what it is.

The story takes place many years ago—I'm pretty sure I was in either fourth or fifth grade. My dad works in fundraising and at the time, he worked at Gilda’s Club—a fantastic organization if you don’t know of it. He was putting together a large gala to feature various acts. It was a pretty big project, which is why, one Saturday morning, he had to check his work messages from home.

My mom and I were talking about something or other when, suddenly, one of us noticed my dad. His face was completely red from laughter. But we hadn’t noticed because it was that type of laughter where he was laughing so hard that no sound was coming out at all. Something was, apparently, very funny on the other line. We asked him what it was…a question that we should have known he wouldn’t be able to answer since, at the moment, he couldn’t do far simpler activities. Like breathing. After several minutes, he finally calmed down and regained his composure. He held out the phone and said “Just…just listen.”

The following is, to the best that I can transcribe it so many years later, the message that I heard on the phone. There are a lot of ellipses used in this transcription. Every time you see one, it means that there was a significant pause in the voicemail. Like, a two or three second pause. And if that doesn’t sound like a long time, actually count out three seconds every time you see the ellipsis. Got it? Are you ready? Here we go:

“My name…is Jack…I am…comedian…I want…to be…in your show…I am comedian…I can be reached at…212…4 I am comedian……5264…My name is Jack…32…My name is…Jack…I want to be in your show…I am comedian…I want to be in your show."

Now, as I said, I heard this message so many years ago and there’s no way that I can remember it exactly. The phone number is definitely made up. But, I feel I did a good job with the transcription. Especially because it’s basically just the same three phrases over and over again—repeated in a seemingly random fashion. Other than the phrases “My name is Jack,” “I am comedian,” and “I want to be in your show,” the only other thing Jack says here is his phone number…and EVEN THEN HE INTERRUPTS HIMSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PHONE NUMBER to say “I am comedian.” And while I don’t remember the phone number, I do remember how he told it. He definitely said “I am comedian” in the middle of the number…and divided it up in a weird way so that you kind of had to hear the message twice to actually figure out the correct phone number.

Now, as I said, I don’t know the full story here. It is very possible that I should not be making fun of Jack at all. It’s possible—probable, even—that English is not his first language. And I really do not intend to mock anyone just for not being able to speak a second language, ESPECIALLY as I do not speak another language myself. It’s further possible that Jack is a noble man with a dream: a dream of being a stand-up comic, and he can think of no better way to start than by volunteering his gift for charity. It’s even possible that the message was meant to be a joke. My family and I were certainly laughing—maybe that was the point? Maybe this message was left in character, as an accurate example of how funny he could be.

But I don’t know. I don’t know if any of these explanations are true. I don’t know if more than one of these explanations are true. I don’t know if none of these explanations are true-- maybe it’s something else entirely. Maybe it was a prank call. I just don’t know. And that's all part of the mystique of Jack the comedian. Jack is a man of mystery. This brief voicemail message is the only thing we ever learned about Jack (my dad, for some reason, did not elect to call him back to include him in the gala). In fact, I know exactly three things about Jack:

1. His name is Jack.
2. He is comedian.
3. He wanted to be in my dad’s show.

That’s it. That’s all we know. I warned you at the beginning that this story has no explanation. It's one of the great mysteries encountered throughout history: crop circles, stonehenge, and a voicemail left by a guy who claims to be named Jack.

Frankly, as much as I don’t believe in that kind of stuff, I wouldn’t be all that surprised to learn that there’s a supernatural reason behind Jack’s message. Maybe Jack is a ghost, speaking from beyond the veil, but he can only deliver his message in twenty words or less. Hence how important it is to make sure we really understand the main points of his message. Maybe he’s an extra-terrestrial, who is still getting a handle on human syntax.

"We come in peace. We want to be in your show."

All I know is that the message was one of the funniest and strangest things I’d ever heard in my life at that point…and it continues to be until this day. Even now, my parents and I still quote the odd voicemail sometimes. He may not have been in the show, but like any good comedian, Jack succeeded in making a lasting impression.

While some comedians have been unable to make an impression of any sort, despite having inexplicably prolific careers.

 

Ordering The Drink: Fans of the blog will remember my friend Kenny, who has shown up several times, and had a drink made in his honor with the Evil Rapping Clown. Well, the other night, I went to see Kenny in a play. Worryingly, he was once again playing a creepy clown. Many actors fear getting typecast. Few worry about getting typecast specifically as an evil clown.

You can visit the show's website here.

Afterwards, a group of Kenny's friends and fans went out to a bar next door called Quinn's. I was, admittedly, a bit skeptical of the type of drink I would receive. The bar was perfectly nice and we all had a great time-- it was a reliable theater district bar. But my impression was that beer was the main item on the menu here-- just like another bar where I received the only definitively bad drink I've gotten for this blog thus far. That's why I chose to assign this bartender the Comedian Jack-- because it struck me as a really easy name to make a drink for. If you put Jack Daniel's in it you'll meet the challenge. As long as the bartender didn't combine it with something awful-- like chocolate milk, dish soap, or sorrow-- then I would probably be fine.

Unfortunately, as I ordered the drink, I became afraid that such a drink would be coming my way after all. The bartender was a sullen man-- not old, but older than a lot of the bartenders I've had thus far. Again, just like the last time I received a bad drink. And, for the first time since I started this blog, I almost thought he would deny the request. When I explained my request, he just kind of stared at me blankly. "What's the drink name, again?" he asked with more than a hint of edge in his voice. "A Comedian Jack," I replied, trying to come across as friendly and unirritating as possible. As he continued to stare at me, I reminded him that he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to, to which he responded, "No, I can do it." And went about making the drink.

To keep myself from feeling too nervous about the drink, I took the time to snap a bad photo of our table from the bar.

Luckily I didn't have to wait for long. Soon, he was back and...amazingly, was all smiles. "Here you go!" he cheerily announced, "a Comedian Jack!" The change was somewhat alarming. The once sullen and cranky bartender was suddenly downright enthusiastic and pleasant and amiable. My guess is that he just had a long shift and I caught him at a bad time at first-- which is totally understandable. It's also possible that, when I wasn't looking, his other bartender had performed a terrifying Stepford Wives-like procedure on him.

"Why Beth, this Jack Daniels and Sorrow is delicious!"

The Drink:

The Comedian Jack

Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey Whiskey

Ginger Ale

Sour Mix

Lime garnish

Assessment of Drink: Showing that you shouldn't judge a bar by its cover, this drink was really delicious! It, of course, helps that I'm a big fan of Jack Daniel's Honey. As far as whiskey's go, it's certainly not the most authentic or potent or even whiskey-like, but it's a delicious liquor to sip, and I feel like even people who don't usually love whiskey would enjoy this one. I've heard it dismissed as being "Whiskey Lite" in the past, but it's delicious and that's what should be most important. I highly recommend it.

This is a simple cocktail, but the other two ingredients work really well with it. The honey whiskey  is, unsurprisingly, predominantly sweet. That sweetness works perfectly with the spiciness of the ginger ale and the sourness of the sour mix. That's a complex flavor profile there, and I like it! It still errs on the side of sweet, of course, but not too overpoweringly so. Really great stuff-- and it's one that would be easy to make at home.

Does It Live Up To The Name: As I mentioned before, this was an easy name to make a drink out of, and the bartender met my expectations. The presence of Jack Daniel's makes the drink fit the name pretty well-- I could definitely see this drink be listed on a drinks menu under its assigned name. There's nothing particularly "funny" about it to imply that this Jack is specifically a comedian, but I don't mind too much. It still worked.

But, maybe since I'd just seen Kenny play a creepy clown and therefore had the Evil Rapping Clown on the brain, I will admit I was hoping for a maraschino cherry garnish-- to represent the clown nose as it did in that drink. That would have been a nice touch-- even though it would have suggested clown instead of comedian. And those are two different things.

Well, usually.

 Overall, it was a great drink, and a great bar. Bars are a dime a dozen around the theater district and Hell's Kitchen, but Quinn's proved to be an above average watering hole. If you need a good reliable bar in the area, I'd certainly recommend it.

Drinks with friends after a show-- nothing is better. Kenny seems happy, and he wasn't even aware the picture was being taken.