Drink 47: Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew

The Name: Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew                                                                                

The Bar: The Blind Barber (339 East 10th St., NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: I love second-hand books. I love how they're already a bit worn, and I love how you can sometimes find old books that are out of print. I've already talked about the time I found a bizarre book that I happened to read through and was so glad I did. Well, this story is about the time my mom happened upon a strange book, to hilarious results.

She was walking in our neighborhood and came across some old books for sale at a cheap price. My mom loves to cook, and so an old cookbook caught her eye. It was compiled by The Ladies of the Living History Association, a group of historical reenactors, and it was initially published in 1968. It was only $1.50 so she decided to look through it and see if it was interesting.

The cookbook is filled with recipe submissions that people sent in. The recipes are for the most part informally written--very few precise measurements. And the recipes are overly simple at best, and outright disgusting at worst. Seasoning hadn't quite been invented yet, and pretty much every recipe involves boiling meat and potatoes until all flavor is lost. There's a whole section on recipes that you can cook in this new-fangled thing called the microwave! But, despite the quality of the recipes, it's important to note that it's a serious cookbook. These are dishes that people actually prepared. This book was meant to be a real cookbook. And the reason that I emphasize this is because, amidst all of these actual recipes, my mom landed on this recipe, supposedly submitted by a certain Colonel A. Wurzberger.

Each member of my family read this one by one, and none of us could get through it without cracking up. Even before the hare pun, it's such a wonderfully silly and ridiculous joke. I love the casual statements, like, "Cook for about 4 weeks," and, "This will serve 3800 people." And, I also love the name Colonel A. Wurzberger. It HAS to be a pseudonym, of course, but if so, where did whoever wrote this come up with it? It so perfectly conjures up the image of some retired army general in full military garb. And to imagine such an official-looking figure painstakingly cutting up an elephant into bite-size pieces for two months straight is so ludicrous. Really the whole recipe is an absolute masterpiece.

But what makes the whole thing complete is the fact that it's in the cookbook at all. Obviously, the person who submitted this (Colonel A. Wurzberger, of course) knew it was a joke, but it remains to be seen if the Ladies of the Living History Association did. Did they simply compile all the recipes they received without actually reading any of them, and this one made it in through the cracks? Did they read the recipe and not realize it was a joke? Or did they get the joke, and decide to put it into their cookbook anyway? I genuinely don't know. But I'm so glad this cookbook exists, and that my mom was lucky enough to stumble onto it on the street and bring Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew into our lives.

Ordering The Drink: After getting two drinks with my friend Pat--The Christopher Walken Duck Joke and The Day The Clown Cried--we decided to hop bars once again and set a new record for the most rounds of What's That Drink played in one night! And we knew exactly where to go: The Blind Barber. This is another hidden bar, and as the name suggests, it's located in the back of a barbershop. And it's a real barbershop--you can get a haircut and then go to the back and get a drink. I'd never been there, but I'd heard about it. It's always included on lists of the best speakeasies in New York City, and is known for having especially unusual cocktails, so it's somewhere I've been meaning to go for this blog for quite some time. Pat has been there before, and confirmed that it's a really neat place with a cool vibe and great drinks. We stopped for dinner first, since we had each had several strong drinks by now, and then went off towards The Blind Barber.

We stepped through the door in the back of the barbershop and, I have to admit, both of us were surprised. There was a live DJ sitting in one corner, and incredibly loud pop music blasting throughout the bar. If a real blind barber were to go, they would think it was a nightclub, not a tiny place known for unusual cocktails. Nightclubs aren't really my thing--I like to be able to hear myself think--but I know that a lot of people do like them and that's fine. But, the decor of The Blind Barber would never suggest "nightclub." It's decorated in an old-school Victorian style, with old books and photographs everywhere. It's beautiful, but you'd think that the music would be jazz, not Jay-Z.

Me, expressing my annoyance at the loud music blasting in this otherwise quaint library room.

It didn't help that the bar was pretty empty too. It was a Tuesday night, and when Pat and I walked in there were only three people on the dance floor and no one else in sight. They were awkwardly dancing as Pat and I screamed over each other. He apologized, and explained that the last time he was here, it was nothing like this. There was no music, and it had seemed like a really lovely hidden spot. The difference between what he described and what I'd heard about The Blind Barber, versus what we were actually experiencing, was night and day. And I really don't think that this was just me being like a crotchety old man. The loud music was simply odd for the environment. Reading online reviews, it's clear I'm not the only person who feels this way. It seems that after a certain time each night, the place suddenly changes completely. I'd certainly prefer to have been there earlier in the evening!

But, never mind that, we were here for drinks, and I was still excited to get some interesting cocktails! Pat ordered his favorite drink from the menu in both name and content-- the Sweeney Ted--which was absolutely delicious. But I went ahead and, of course, ordered the Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew. The bartender initially seemed reluctant, and hesitant to know if this was what I really wanted. "There must be a kind of alcohol you want?" he insisted, and I promised him that I really would be happy with whatever he put together, as long as it fit the name. I eventually convinced him and he put the drink together.

The Drink:

 

Bourbon

Dry Vermouth

Pineapple Juice

Simple Syrup 

Assessment of Drink: Earlier in the night, Pat had asked me if I'd ever gotten a really bad drink while doing this blog. And the truth is that I've only had one actively awful-tasting drink. And 1 out of 46 isn't too bad. But, while Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew was nowhere near as bad as The Brave Potato, it was not a good drink. It was very watery, and though he said there was bourbon and vermouth in it, I didn't really taste it. The only thing you could taste was pineapple. Watery pineapple. And the simple syrup didn't help matters, making it a sweet drink and taking out any tartness or acidity the pineapple might have had. Now, don't get me wrong, I like the taste of pineapple. The drink wasn't inedible. But it wasn't a good drink. It's a drink that I would have expected to get at some dive bar, or at a party at a college frathouse. "Oh yeah, we'll throw together some pineapple and bourbon. Voila!" The vermouth might have elevated it, but like I said, I didn't get any hint of the vermouth at all. 

It was, all in all, incredibly disappointing. And I was more disappointed because I knew this bartender could have done better. Pat's drink was absolutely delicious, and actually took skill to make. This drink felt lazy. To the point that I don't know if he maybe presented it to me as a bit of a "fuck you." Maybe he really found my request insulting and decided to phone it in. But it was certainly not worth the $13 that all cocktails cost at The Blind Barber. I'd have rather he simply not agreed to make the drink at all.

Does It Live Up To The Name: That the drink itself wasn't great is one thing, but where I really felt this drink dropped the ball was in the creativity. Or, lack thereof. I happen to think that this was an especially great name for a cocktail. There's already a cocktail called The Colonel--made with whiskey, benedictine, and bitters--and the drink could have been a play on that. I've already had an elephant-themed drink before, which was served in a very creative way. And the word "stew"could have been a gift to a creative mixologist. Stews are sort of a mish-mosh of ingredients thrown together to create a cohesive whole. Here, the ingredients were so simple, and there were so few of them, that it would be a really lousy stew. He could have even focused on the Wurzberger and gone with a German theme. The name of this drink as a whole suggests a sort of strength. Stew of any sort would be hearty, and elephant stew especially so. Add in the military component, and I thought I'd get a strong drink. I certainly did not get that.

Perhaps if the bourbon had been more prominent, it would have made matter better, but I honestly am at a loss as to why this name conjured up the idea of pineapples. They seem to have come completely out of left field, and considering they were the dominant flavor of the drink, it's especially egregious. Looking at the picture of the drink, I wonder if perhaps the lemon was supposed to represent an elephant ear and the straw was supposed to be the trunk? But I think that's a stretch and I might be giving the bartender too much benefit of the doubt if I accept that as explanation.

On the whole, I'm sorry to say that I've never been let down by a bar on this blog as much as by The Blind Barber. The loud music was odd and unexpected, but the drinks could have more than made up for it. I have no doubt that their set cocktail menu is great--and like I said, the Sweeney Ted that Pat ordered was absolutely delicious. But despite my high hopes and expectations, I don't feel like I had a chance to try Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew. Perhaps I'll even try this name again in the future and see if I get better results. I do know that if I ever return to The Blind Barber, I'd certainly stick to their set menu, which I would like to try more. And I'd definitely come earlier in the evening, before its odd transformation into a noisy nightclub.

Drink 21: The Feminist Orangutan

The Name: The Feminist Orangutan                                                                                 

The Bar: Jacob's Pickles (509 Amsterdam Avenue, between 84th & 85th st., NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: Not going to have one of these this time because I'm actually going to explain the name in the "Ordering The Drink" section. I know it's off-putting, but, I promised spooky drinks this month, and what is more spooky than...FORMAT CHANGES?!?!

Most thing are spookier than format changes. But these lawn flamingos DEFINITELY are. That's why they're called spookymingos.

Ordering The Drink: The other night, I was having dinner with my friends Madeline, Jared, and Mary-- as the first two of which were visiting from Ohio. We were at one my favorite neighborhood restaurants, called Jacob's Pickles. I first took note of it because of its sign. Because, if you look at the sign, you would think that the name of the restaurant is "Beer Biscuits Pickles," which I think would be an even better name which would get right to the point.

Luckily, beer, biscuits, and pickles are all great things so I tried the restaurant out a few years ago and have been coming back every since! It's a very hipstery place, where everything that could possibly come in a mason jar comes in a mason jar.

As one would expect, they do have good beer, biscuits, and pickles. Here are some broken pieces of biscuit, topped with, from the left and going clockwise, maple butter and honey, strawberry jam, and orange marmalade. Yum.

They do, of course, serve more than beer, biscuits and pickles. One of the more distinct dishes on their menu is, perhaps, the "chicken and pancakes," which is exactly what it sounds like: fried chicken, pancakes, and maple syrup. And it comes with bacon because of course it fucking does.

Both Jared and Mary ordered the chicken and pancakes because why would you NOT order this?

They also have delicious macaroni and cheese, which I vouch for as a mac and cheese aficionado. It is not only delicious, but it is one of the largest portions of mac and cheese I've ever seen. By the end of the meal, it looked like Madeline, who ordered said mac and cheese, had barely touched her food at all.

It's possible that she had already eaten half of it at this point.

Now that, you're hungry, let's get to where the name "The Feminist Orangutan" came from. With Halloween coming up, we were discussing Halloween costumes and Madeline mentioned that she and her roommates had an idea for a theme costume where each one would go as a different type of wave-- one as a radio to represent a radio wave, one as the ocean to represent a water wave, and one as a microwave. And because all three of them are feminists, they would, combined, be going to the party as "The Three Waves of Feminism."

Now, I'm all for a good theme costume, but to me this whole idea seemed to not be all that well thought out. For one thing, seeing a radio is not going to immediately make someone think of "wave." And while the theme could maybe be "words that have the word WAVE after them," then that would mean they'd be going as a radio, an ocean, and a micro. Not a microwave. And even if someone were to miraculously figure out the "waves" theme, there's nothing to really signal that these are the three waves of feminism specifically. Lots of things can come in three waves. And so, while, in theory I like the idea of a costume that might educate people about the cultural and historical importance of the three waves of feminism, as a group costume, we all concluded that the whole thing could have really been thought out better.

Jared and Madeline at Jacob's Pickles. Madeline is not currently wearing her wave costume which is probably for the best.

After we got tired of pointing out flaws in this costume idea (like...seriously, though, who would want to dress up as a MICROWAVE) we turned to other topics of conversation, and eventually started talking about this blog, which only Madeline had known about previously. As I talked about it, Mary mentioned that her grandfather used to do something similar. Whenever he'd go to a bar, he would order "An Orangutan." The bartender would inevitably go "What's that?" since it's not a real drink, but apparently her grandfather would act shocked and go "You don't know?! This is a standard! You should really know this drink!" and make up some mixture that he wanted to drink, all the while insisting it was a classic drink that every bartender should know. We all agreed that I should definitely order a drink for the blog at Jacob's Pickles-- while they are primarily a restaurant, they have a great bar which is filled with a really nice beer selection and some really great signature cocktails-- while I can't imagine going there and NOT getting at least some biscuits or something, I imagine going there just for a drink would be really fun too. While we considered ordering "The Three Waves of Feminism," we ultimately wanted to honor Mary's grandfather, and combined these two conversations, settling on ordering a drink called-- you guessed it-- The Feminist Orangutan.

Mary and I, excited about ordering the drink.

The restaurant was absolutely packed (it usually is) and so it took a while to get our drink. Apparently, the bartender initially was skeptical, but eventually gave in. I can't speak to their reaction firsthand, but I know our waitress seemed really excited about the idea. While we waited, we tried to guess what might be in the drink. We offered a few ideas, but were all in consensus that the drink had to be orange. Like...if it wasn't orange then the drink could pretty much be considered a failure right then and there. Luckily, our waitress returned with a bright orange drink in hand.

The Drink:

The Feminist Orangutan

Four Roses Bourbon

Lemon Juice
Orange Juice
Orange Bitters
Chocolate Bitters

Assessment of Drink: As the pictures of food earlier in the blog probably demonstrated, the philosophy at Jacob's Pickles is basically to make sure that everything is delicious. And this drink was no exception to that rule. It was addictively yummy-- and everyone at the table agreed. And it was a surprisingly complex drink too. Having the orange juice and the lemon juice together seemed surprising to me, as I would think that one of the citruses would get lost, but both were needed. The orange was clearly the prominent flavor, but the lemon served as a bright accent. And the bourbon admirably prevented the drink from being too acidic, and definitely made its presence known (it wasn't exactly a strong drink, but the bartender also had clearly not skimped on the bourbon). While I can't really speak to how the orange bitters affected the drink, the chocolate bitters were also a really nice touch-- they kept the drink from being way too sweet, and came through especially strong in the drink's aftertaste-- a nice flavor to have linger on your tongue after you took a sip. I usually find that drinks with orange juice become all about the orange juice, but the bourbon, chocolate, and lemon really helped make this drink feel remarkably balanced. 

As you can tell, I was very happy with the drink.

Honestly, I cannot think of a single negative thing to say-- this is the type of drink I would remember from a bar, and would return to that bar specifically to order it again. It was that good, and definitely one of the better drinks I've gotten for this blog. I knew Jacob's Pickles wouldn't let me down!

Jared's first attempt at taking the above picture was slightly more...artistic.

Does It Live Up To The Name: Sure! Like I said before, the drink basically had to be orange, and it was, so it definitely fulfilled the "orangutan" part. I would have liked to have talked to the bartender about what was "feminist" about the drink. Since the waitress specifically mentioned the brand of bourbon as Four Roses, I'm guessing that was supposed to represent feminism somehow. Because "Rose" is a female name? Because roses are flowers and they are generally considered to be feminine? I'm not sure. To be fair, I'm not sure what one COULD have done to make the drink seem feminist. In my mind, I was imaging taking what is typically called a "girly drink," like a Cosmo or something, but then just LOAD it with Scotch or something else that packs a punch. Plus orange juice to make it orange. That actually would probably be delicious.

So, does this drink fit the name perfectly? Definitely not. But, with less scrutiny, it fits the name in a pinch. And it was so delicious that I really couldn't have cared less. Great food, great drinks, great atmosphere-- if you are ever on the Upper West Side, you should definitely take the time to stop by Beer Biscuits Pickles!

Also, there wasn't a time to mention this naturally in the post, but, orangutans are really cool, you guys.

Drink 17: Jet Ease

The Name: Jet Ease                                                                       

The Bar: Jake's Dilemma (430 Amsterdam Ave., between 80th and 81st, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: There isn't much of a story behind this one. Instead, the name "Jet Ease" refers to a pre-existing product which simply strikes me as funny. This is actually how I got  the name for one of the best drinks on this blog-- the Shut The Box. But, unlike the Shut The Box, which might be a perfectly fine product that simply has a funny name, this time, it's the product itself that strikes me as ridiculous.

I first learned about Jet Ease when flying to Paris with my parents. Now, Paris time is six hours ahead of New York City, and as anyone who has undergone a long-distance flight knows, jet lag is not fun, and can be pretty disorienting. Jet Ease is a product that claims to be able to eliminate the effects of jet lag altogether. Which would be great...if it weren't pretty obviously completely bogus.

Now, in fairness, I do have a bit of a bias here. It's a homeopathic product, and while I am not a medical expert of any kind, I find it hard to take homeopathy seriously. Not to say that I think Western medicine is the only thing that can be used (I will never be convinced that chicken and matzoh ball soup does not have great remedial value), but homeopathy in particular strikes me as incredibly bizarre and untrustworthy. The brilliant James Randi (who, if you don't know about him, is one of the most fascinating people in the world and you should learn more about him) gives a great explanation as to why homeopathy is ridiculous here. If you don't want to watch Randi's admittedly long (but amusing) explanation, you can also watch this very funny sketch.

So, when my mom produced a packet of homeopathic medicine which she claimed would stop jet lag, I was skeptical. But then, I looked at the packet, and...my skepticism was 100% justified.

My mom's packet of Jet Ease, somewhat wrinkled from-- no doubt-- years of working effectively.

If you were supposed to just take one tablet and then your jet lag would be cured, that would be one thing, and I probably would have tried the Jet Ease because it wouldn't do any harm. But then I found out that this was not just a one-time deal. You were supposed to keep taking tablets every hour and a half, which strikes me as remarkably invasive and rather random for something that clearly would not work in the first place. Therefore, rather than take a Jet Ease pill, I made my skepticism known. My mom rebutted this with the fact that "The salesman told her that it worked." I should note now that my mother is a remarkably intelligent individual and I don't want it to sound like I don't trust her judgment, but...the salesperson typically has a vested interest in selling a product and therefore is not the most trustworthy of advocates for a product.

"No animals are harmed to make this, right?"
"...Nope."
"I'll take seven!"

If anyone thinks I'm being harsh on Jet Ease, well, I still haven't gotten to the most ridiculous part yet. I already mentioned that you were supposed to take a pill every ninety minutes. Unlike most medicine which tells you to take two or three tablets a day, the Jet Ease has no such notice. Instead, you are instructed to take the pills every hour and a half until you do not have jet lag anymore.

I repeat that. You're supposed to keep taking the pill until your jet lag is gone. Which could take who knows how long. If you stop taking the pills and still have jet lag, well then, it's not the product's fault because you should have taken more pills! But, the thing about jet lag is that you're always going to get accustomed to your new time zone eventually. So, you'll eventually get over the jet lag whether you take the pills or not, but this way you can misguidedly attribute this to a bullshit homeopathic remedy! Thanks, Jet Ease!

Maybe Jet Ease works. Maybe it is a complete waste of money and no one should ever buy it. I will let you decide. I don't know because I never tried it. My mother tried it for a few hours and ultimately gave up. I don't believe she has used it since. But I've been laughing at the existence of this product ever since.

Ordering The Drink: I was out having a drink with What's That Drink regular Kenny, at Jake's Dilemma. If you live on the Upper West Side and don't know about Jake's Dilemma, then you should know about it. They have some great specials every single night and on the Wednesday that I went there, drinks were $4, which made this the cheapest drink that I have ordered for this blog, which is definitely a plus. It also meant that the bar was incredibly busy, meaning that not much really happened when I ordered my drink. I simply made the request, explained the rules to the bartender, and received my drink. He told me what was in it, but I didn't have a chance to hear his reasoning for putting together this drink. And it was really loud, so if he had told me, I might not have been able to hear it at all. Anyway, got the drink, which looked pretty standard, and returned to my table.

The Drink:

The Jet Ease.

Bourbon

Ginger Ale

Lime 

House Bitters

Assessment of Drink: It was good! Nothing too complex going on in this drink, and I don't have anything too complex to say about it either. It tasted good. Bourbon and ginger ale go well together. It was a good, refreshing, simple drink.

Does It Live Up To The Name: No matter what, I can say that this drink is AS EFFECTIVE in fighting jet lag as the real Jet Ease is, so in that way it does live up to the name. But, to be fair, ANYTHING would be as effective in fighting jet lag, as long as it didn't contain Red Bull or something.

But something about this drink definitely did live up to the name. As I said, it was simple, and anything with the word "ease" in it probably should be. And, while I have no idea if this was the bartender's intention or not, the inclusion of ginger ale immediately made me think of this plane-themed comic. If the bartender was indeed referencing this, then he deserves the highest praise, and also, this drink becomes an undeniable success. So, let's just assume that's what happened here. Although, if that's the case, I don't know if it should be called the Jet Ease, or the Magic Sky Juice.