Drink 15: The Male Pregnancy Test

The Name: The Male Pregnancy Test                                                                                 

The Bar: The Whiskey Ward (121 Essex Street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: This is one of my favorite stories, and one of the strangest. And a great example of the ineptitude of the government.

So, when I was a teenager, like so many other teens, I had a bad case of acne. Bad enough that, on a dermatologist's recommendation, I began to take some medication to help my skin clear up. Before doing so, though, I was told I would have to take a blood test. Now, I have always had a dislike of needles. I know that nobody really LIKES needles, but I have a particular distaste for them. So, the idea of taking a blood test was not a welcoming one, but obviously I'd have no problem having blood taken if it was necessary.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out what the blood test was supposed to be for. If you read the name of this drink, then you know that the blood test was for something called the M.P.T. Or, Male Pregnancy Test.

Now, some of you might be confused. See, a lot of medications-- and specifically acne medications-- can be harmful to take if you are pregnancy, and can cause health complications for both the mother and the child. So, the Food and Drug Administration, which oversees the distribution of all medication, takes tremendous efforts to make sure that no pregnant individual ever takes these pills. For example, while my acne pills did not have this, I know a lot of people take pills that come in the following, unsubtle packaging.

You know those TV commercials where the announcer says "If you're pregnant or may become pregnant, do not take this pill?" Well, the FDA is serious about that, and when I was 16, they had a brilliant idea: why don't they actually MAKE people take a pregnancy test before taking the pill? The idea seems fine-- that way, there's no confusion. Which, I imagine there was a lot of with confusing packaging like the one above. And while there are some potential problems with that system, that's a debate for another time. Because there is one other, more relevant problem: The FDA decided that EVERYONE should have to take this test. Even if that person does not have a womb.

Now, some might remember the news story of Thomas Beatie-- sometimes known as "The Pregnant Man," a trans man who became the first legally recognized man to become pregnant. He's a really fascinating figure, and if you haven't heard about him, definitely look up his story. And while it is true that trans men can feasibly become pregnant, I am a cisgender male who has exactly a 0% chance of being pregnant. When we called my dermatologist to ask if "Male Pregnancy Test" really meant what we thought it meant, she said that it was probably a mistake and I should check with my pharmacy. But, the pharmacist wouldn't give me the medicine because they legally couldn't unless I took the blood test. The pharmacist reached that conclusion after spending about ten minutes on the phone with someone to make sure this was really the case. Since, again, there is no reason I should ever have to take a pregnancy test.

One day, I went to a blood clinic for the official test. Since I was a minor, my dad had to go with me. Before the test, we checked one last time as to whether or not this was really necessary.

Receptionist: Name?

Me: Miles Purinton.

Receptionist: And what are you here for?

Me: A pregnancy test.

Receptionist: No, really, what are you here for?

Me: I am actually here for a pregnancy test. Here is the document saying so.

Receptionist: This...this seems legit.

My Dad: We're worried. He's late. He hasn't had a period in seventeen years.

At the time, I found that last comment really annoying. But, I have to concede that it's really funny.

To make matters worse, when we arrived at the blood clinic, the guy who was taking my blood was new and had no idea what he was doing. The first time he tried to take my blood, he jabbed the needle in, said "Oops," and removed the needle, explaining that he had missed the vein. Which is surprising to me since my arms are incredible pale and I could probably find my vein on the first try. And I'm terrible at blood-taking. I'm also pretty sure he missed the vein the second time he stuck the needle in too, but instead of taking the needle out, he simply squirmed the needle around inside my arm until he found it. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and I felt light-headed by the end of it. For my pains, the clinic gave me a paper cup of orange juice to help me not pass out, and two weeks later I received a piece of paper saying the test came back negative and I was not pregnant.Really dodged a bullet there.

If you're wondering why you never heard of this test, it's because the FDA almost immediately recognized that this was stupid and got rid of the requirement. The M.P.T. only existed for less than a month, and I was one of a handful of people who ever had to take it. Luckily, I still have the piece of paper with the results, which can prove that this actually happened and I am not imagining the whole thing. Because it's pretty ridiculous.

A lot of people have already heard this story. When I was in high school, I was on the Speech Team. Speech team is a wonderful activity, but it is also nearly impossible to explain to anyone who was not a part of it. It's weird. But, in simplified terms, on the speech team, various high schoolers compete in different categories which all involve public speaking and performance in one way or the other. One such category, which I did my senior year, is called Original Oratory, where the speaker performs a ten minute speech that they have written on a topic of their choosing. My speech was about taking too many precautions, and I used this story as the beginning of this speech. I became somewhat well-known on the speech and debate circuit as the "male pregnancy kid."

Ordering The Drink: The best part of being on the speech team was that I got to meet a lot of incredible people-- those who were on my team, and those who I competed against. Some of the most talented people I've ever seen were involved with Speech & Debate, and many have gone on to do great things. some notable speech and debate alumni include John Belushi, Nancy Cartwright, Stephen Colbert, Josh Gad, Kelsey Grammer, Brad Pitt, Zachary Quinto, Paul Rudd, Sonia Sotomayor, Alan Tudyk, Oprah Winfrey, and Weird Al Yankovic.

Also, Brent Spiner who, presumably, delivered an award-winning oratory on how robots are capable of love.

One such talented person I got to meet through speech and debate is my friend Arun. Arun was two grades below me and I was lucky enough to get to coach him when he first started competing. We've remained friends since and I was very proud when he followed in my footsteps and ultimately competed in Original Oratory himself.

A picture of my and Arun in the speech team's practice room in high school.

Well, time flies and, yesterday, Arun celebrated his 21st birthday. And for the occasion, I decided to order a drink in his honor.

He has grown taller since high school. I have not.

Arun was celebrating at a bar called The Whiskey Ward in downtown New York City. It's a fun bar, with an expansive and affordable selection of whiskeys. When I'm not ordering customized drinks, my customary drink of choice is a whiskey sour, and I can attest that their version is excellent.

The bar was, however, quite noisy, so I didn't know how well the bartender would be able to hear me. I went up to order two drinks-- a traditional cocktail for me, and a Male Pregnancy Test for Arun (although if the drink was terrible then I could finish it and he would get my drink, which I ultimately decided would be a Moscow Mule).

When I made the request, it was clear that the bartender could hear me, so my concerns about noise were assuaged. But, then I got scared again, because after I made the request, the bartender said "My brain is so melted right now, I have no idea what you're talking about." I tried to explain again, and reminded him that he could put anything he wanted into the drink, but before I could finish he walked away. 

The bartender at The Whiskey Ward mixes a Moscow Mule and may or may not be making a second drink.

 Arun came over and asked "Is he doing it?" and I replied that I had no idea.

Luckily, the bartender arrived shortly with two drinks. One was clearly the Moscow Mule, and the other looked very similar, but was a little bit darker in color.

The Drink:

The Male Pregnancy Test, after Arun had already had a couple of sips.

Blueberry Vodka

Fresh Lime Juice

Fentiman's Ginger Beer

Assessment of Drink: Now, I've mentioned the Moscow Mule a couple of times. For those of you who don't know, it's made with vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice. You might notice that that is very similar to the ingredients for the Male Pregnancy Test listed above. As the bartender placed the drink down, he said "I just made you a second Moscow Mule. But I made it with blueberry vodka because I think if I had to take a male pregnancy test I'd get blue balls."

And the drink was pretty good. I have to say that, comparing it to the regular Moscow Mule, I definitely preferred the regular. The Male Pregnancy Test wasn't bad, but the blueberry flavor is recognizable enough that it seemed out of place. It made the drink a bit too sweet-- the sourness of the lime and the spiciness of the ginger work well together, but the blueberry was too sweet and didn't really compliment it. It wasn't a bad drink by any means-- but if it was between this and the regular Moscow Mule, I'd choose the regular every time.

Arun, with his Male Pregnancy Test.

 

Does It Live Up To The Name: The blue balls line is...clever, I guess? It's not the worst explanation for a drink that I've heard, but it's certainly not the best. I mean, in the end, what do blueberries really have to do with pregnancy? I feel like with a name as out there as The Male Pregnancy Test, a lot more could have been done with this. I do appreciate that he probably wanted to make me a drink that he knew I would like-- since I ordered a Moscow Mule, he probably guessed that I liked that drink and therefore wanted to make something similar. It's a smart strategy, and one I can respect. But, at the same time, it felt like a bit of a cop-out. Especially given how he could put ANYTHING into this drink, it seemed like he didn't do too much with the opportunity. I don't know, the drink just felt kind of lazy. In the end, it felt like one of the less successful drinks I've gotten for this blog. But while the drink was disappointing, the night was a lot of fun-- it's always great to catch up and celebrate with an old friend.

The drink was so disappointing, that Arun unemotionally strangled me. Or maybe he strangled me because I was making a really creepy possessed-mannequin face.