Drink 28: Don't Laugh

The Name: Don't Laugh                                                                                

The Bar: Monkey Bar (60 E. 54th st., NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: I have an important mission for you. Are you ready? Don't laugh.

I'm serious. Don't laugh.

You can do anything else that you want, as long as you don't laugh. Here. I'll help you out 

This was the least funny thing I could think of.

Are you laughing? If not, then that's good because you shouldn't laugh. If you are laughing, then you better stop because you're not allowed to laugh. Don't laugh.

I don't know if you are laughing or not. Probably not (after all, I made you think about Daniel Tosh so now you probably won't laugh for another hour). But nonetheless, I'm sure we've all been in a situation where we have laughed simply because someone told us not to. Something about hearing the words "don't laugh" will automatically make us giggle, or at least smile. It's not too strange of a concept. It's like the infamous "church giggles." If we're laughing during an inappropriate situation, it's only going to make us laugh more. I'm pretty sure every single person reading this knows what I'm talking about to some extent.

But I have a friend named Elizabeth who takes this to new extremes. Elizabeth and I went to high school together where I was her coach on the speech team, and it was then that I discovered that she is incapable of NOT laughing anytime someone says the words "don't laugh." For whatever reason, those words have more of an affect on her than the average person. I tested this phenomenon at every opportunity, and it worked every single time. There didn't have to be any context. I could just say "Hey, Elizabeth. Don't laugh," and sure enough she would start laughing. I think it became a sort of Pavlovian response at some point.

This, of course, was seven years ago, but it still holds true today. Elizabeth and I have stayed in touch over the years and every single time I see her, I am sure to at one point, politely request that she not laugh. And it continues to have the same affect.

Over the years I have tried to see if this would work with other people. I have a friend from college (coincidentally also named Elizabeth) who laughs every time someone says "Kangaroo." I myself will let out an undignified giggle anytime someone pokes me, a la the Pillsbury Doughboy. I will similarly giggle should someone simply imply that they are going to poke me. Or says the word "poke." Or says the word "giggle."

But this isn't about me, this is about Elizabeth, who has been a fan of this blog and who has been wanting to join me for one of my What's That Drink excursions for a while now. And when we finally did, there was only one possible drink name we could order: a Don't Laugh.

Ordering The Drink: I made plans to meet Elizabeth and a few of her friends--Sean, Grace, Brian, and Rosie-- for drinks last week while Elizabeth was in the city, on break from college. We initially wanted to meet at a bar which we found out was closed for a private party. So we decided to walk elsewhere. I had heard of a bar in the neighborhood called Monkey Bar, which I'd heard had great drinks and great bar food, and which had occasionally shown up on "best cocktails in the city" lists. I'd been planning to get a drink here for a while, so that's where we all headed.

It was a really cute place--and there were monkeys everywhere. If you're afraid of monkeys, do not go here.

The monkey-themed mural on the restaurant's walls was whimsical, but hard to see considering how packed the place was when we were there.

It was quite pricey, and if you go here I definitely recommend going for cocktails. The beer list is very limited and incredibly pricey (ten dollars for Angry Orchard cider????) but the cocktails really are fantastic. My first drink, their version of a classic cocktail called The Monkey Gland, swapped the grenadine typically found in that drink with pomegranate molasses which was a fantastic improvement. It was perfectly made, and really showed off the bartender's chops.

Their interpretation of the Monkey Gland. Which tastes better than the name makes it sound.

The cocktail menu was really great. Everything sounded good (and was) but more than that, it was innovative. Like with adding pomegranate molasses to the Monkey Gland, the bartenders clearly put their individual twist on every drink. Why have a hot toddy, typically made with whiskey, when you can get a sweeter autumnal flavor by making a toddy with Calvados, an apple brandy? A classic Mint Julep became a Jersey Julep, made with applejack instead of regular bourbon. The cocktails were sophisticated, but playful, and unique. It left me with high hopes for when I ordered the "Don't Laugh." If anyone would be up for the challenge, it would be the team at The Monkey Bar.

We munched on truffled corn fritters with thyme honey (which were delicious) and the waiter came to take our order for the second round of drinks. I explained that I wanted a drink called the Don't Laugh, and he said he'd pass it on to the bartender. When it came time for Elizabeth to get a drink she said "I'd like a Don't Laugh too." Grace ordered a drink called the Grow a Pear that was absolutely beautiful.

Brian peers at the Grow a Pear with a fascinated gleam in his eye.

In a little bit, the waiter returned with the drinks and said "So, he actually made two different drinks," and placed two clearly distinct cocktails on the table. This was an exciting development. The Monkey Bar bartender had clearly gone above and beyond. I had never received two different cocktails for one drink! The waited enigmatically said "Let me know what you think, and I'll tell you what's in them when I get back." With no ingredients to go on, Elizabeth and I each selected the glass that happened to have been placed closest to us and took a sip.

The Drink (or, in this case, Drinks):

Two Don't Laughs.

Drink #1 (the one on the left):

Gin

Lemon Juice

Maraschino Liqueur

Chartreuse

Drink #2 (the one on the right):

Gin

Lemon Juice

Maraschino Liqueur

Creme de Violette

Assessment of Drink: Both were very well made, to be sure. The ingredients are very similar--with the only difference between them being chartreuse in one and creme de violette in the other, but it shows how, in a strong bartender's hands, similar ingredients can make vastly different drinks. Everyone tried both drinks, and none of us would have guessed how similar they truly were. And both were really good. Chartreuse is known for its assertive flavor, but it was perfectly balanced with the sweetness of the maraschino and the sourness of the lemon. The creme de violette, however, was more assertive in Drink #2. I couldn't immediately recognize the flavor of it, but once the waiter came back and told us it was creme de violette, it made perfect sense. Drink #1 was a more composed and unified drink, but Drink #2 had layers. You got different layers of flavor--like a Willy Wonka candy, the drink seemed to change in your mouth. At first, you tasted the gin, then you'd get some sweetness, then some sour, and then the creme de violette came on as a pleasant aftertaste. The creme de violette was the flavor that lingered on your tongue, and it showcased the liqueur better than I've ever had before. Including the last time I got creme de violette for a drink and that was when the word "Violet" was in the name!

All in all, the consensus of the table was that Drink #1 with the chartreuse was their favorite, but they found Drink #2 more interesting. I'd say it was a fair assessment. But both were quite delicious.

Does It Live Up To The Name: From just drinking the cocktails, it was not clear why either of these would be called the Don't Laugh, but since we didn't know the ingredients, we didn't have the full story. When our waiter returned, we excitedly asked what was in the drinks--perhaps it would clear up the mystery. He let us know. Not only did he tell us the ingredients, but he told us that they were, as he put it, "real cocktails." The one with creme de violette is called an Aviation, which I had heard of before, and the one with chartreuse is called The Last Word, which I had not heard of before. Upon hearing this, the delicious and well-crafted mystery cocktails suddenly became disappointing. Nothing about these drinks speaks to being a Don't Laugh. It would have been one thing if these were pre-existing cocktails whose names had something to do with the assigned name, but they didn't. At all. And the ingredients didn't either.

Because we were sitting at a table and I didn't order drinks from the bartender directly or get to talk to him, I'm not really sure what happened. It's possible that our bartender had a very good reason for serving us these drinks under the guise of the name "Don't Laugh." I have since read that The Last word was invented by a vaudevillian comedian named Frank Fogarty, so perhaps its creator's occupation was the inspiration. It's also possible that the bartender heard our request and went "Nope, not gonna do that" and gave us other cocktails instead. It's even possible that our waiter (who did seem somewhat humorless throughout the evening) didn't even pass on our request, and instead opted to tell our bartender that we wanted a bartender's choice drink, and he created the cocktails without knowing the prompt. I'm really not sure. And without knowing the whole story, it's hard for me to really know where things went wrong. But I do know one thing: neither of these drinks qualify as the "Don't Laugh" in my mind. In the past, I've gotten drinks that were already pre-existing cocktails, and it's always a bit disappointing, but usually there's a reason the bartender made me that drink based on the prompt. Sometimes the pre-existing cocktail actually makes sense for the name. But in this case, I just can't make the connection. The Frank Fogarty connection was the best thing I could come up with, but then why did they also make an Aviation?

When I get drinks for this blog, I know it's a weird request. And I'm usually fine if the bartender doesn't embrace the idea of it--they probably deal with all sorts of annoying requests all the time, so I can't blame them for that. But in this case, it was especially disappointing. I didn't think the "Don't Laugh" was too difficult a name, and considering the innovation and playfulness found in most of the cocktails on the menu, I had sort of set myself up for something extraordinary. And, in their own way, these cocktails were great. They were certainly well made, and all of us had a great time at Monkey Bar, but they really didn't live up to the spirit of this experiment.

I would absolutely go to Monkey Bar again, and see no reason to not recommend it. It's a fun place with really great food and exceptional drinks. I can see why it's considered by some as one of the best places for cocktails in the city. But with the particular set of parameters for this game of What's That Drink, it ended up being a surprisingly disappointing outing. It was like a post-2000 Eddie Murphy movie that way. And, much like the name of this drink suggests, that's something that will never leave you laughing.

Drink 15: The Male Pregnancy Test

The Name: The Male Pregnancy Test                                                                                 

The Bar: The Whiskey Ward (121 Essex Street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: This is one of my favorite stories, and one of the strangest. And a great example of the ineptitude of the government.

So, when I was a teenager, like so many other teens, I had a bad case of acne. Bad enough that, on a dermatologist's recommendation, I began to take some medication to help my skin clear up. Before doing so, though, I was told I would have to take a blood test. Now, I have always had a dislike of needles. I know that nobody really LIKES needles, but I have a particular distaste for them. So, the idea of taking a blood test was not a welcoming one, but obviously I'd have no problem having blood taken if it was necessary.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out what the blood test was supposed to be for. If you read the name of this drink, then you know that the blood test was for something called the M.P.T. Or, Male Pregnancy Test.

Now, some of you might be confused. See, a lot of medications-- and specifically acne medications-- can be harmful to take if you are pregnancy, and can cause health complications for both the mother and the child. So, the Food and Drug Administration, which oversees the distribution of all medication, takes tremendous efforts to make sure that no pregnant individual ever takes these pills. For example, while my acne pills did not have this, I know a lot of people take pills that come in the following, unsubtle packaging.

You know those TV commercials where the announcer says "If you're pregnant or may become pregnant, do not take this pill?" Well, the FDA is serious about that, and when I was 16, they had a brilliant idea: why don't they actually MAKE people take a pregnancy test before taking the pill? The idea seems fine-- that way, there's no confusion. Which, I imagine there was a lot of with confusing packaging like the one above. And while there are some potential problems with that system, that's a debate for another time. Because there is one other, more relevant problem: The FDA decided that EVERYONE should have to take this test. Even if that person does not have a womb.

Now, some might remember the news story of Thomas Beatie-- sometimes known as "The Pregnant Man," a trans man who became the first legally recognized man to become pregnant. He's a really fascinating figure, and if you haven't heard about him, definitely look up his story. And while it is true that trans men can feasibly become pregnant, I am a cisgender male who has exactly a 0% chance of being pregnant. When we called my dermatologist to ask if "Male Pregnancy Test" really meant what we thought it meant, she said that it was probably a mistake and I should check with my pharmacy. But, the pharmacist wouldn't give me the medicine because they legally couldn't unless I took the blood test. The pharmacist reached that conclusion after spending about ten minutes on the phone with someone to make sure this was really the case. Since, again, there is no reason I should ever have to take a pregnancy test.

One day, I went to a blood clinic for the official test. Since I was a minor, my dad had to go with me. Before the test, we checked one last time as to whether or not this was really necessary.

Receptionist: Name?

Me: Miles Purinton.

Receptionist: And what are you here for?

Me: A pregnancy test.

Receptionist: No, really, what are you here for?

Me: I am actually here for a pregnancy test. Here is the document saying so.

Receptionist: This...this seems legit.

My Dad: We're worried. He's late. He hasn't had a period in seventeen years.

At the time, I found that last comment really annoying. But, I have to concede that it's really funny.

To make matters worse, when we arrived at the blood clinic, the guy who was taking my blood was new and had no idea what he was doing. The first time he tried to take my blood, he jabbed the needle in, said "Oops," and removed the needle, explaining that he had missed the vein. Which is surprising to me since my arms are incredible pale and I could probably find my vein on the first try. And I'm terrible at blood-taking. I'm also pretty sure he missed the vein the second time he stuck the needle in too, but instead of taking the needle out, he simply squirmed the needle around inside my arm until he found it. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and I felt light-headed by the end of it. For my pains, the clinic gave me a paper cup of orange juice to help me not pass out, and two weeks later I received a piece of paper saying the test came back negative and I was not pregnant.Really dodged a bullet there.

If you're wondering why you never heard of this test, it's because the FDA almost immediately recognized that this was stupid and got rid of the requirement. The M.P.T. only existed for less than a month, and I was one of a handful of people who ever had to take it. Luckily, I still have the piece of paper with the results, which can prove that this actually happened and I am not imagining the whole thing. Because it's pretty ridiculous.

A lot of people have already heard this story. When I was in high school, I was on the Speech Team. Speech team is a wonderful activity, but it is also nearly impossible to explain to anyone who was not a part of it. It's weird. But, in simplified terms, on the speech team, various high schoolers compete in different categories which all involve public speaking and performance in one way or the other. One such category, which I did my senior year, is called Original Oratory, where the speaker performs a ten minute speech that they have written on a topic of their choosing. My speech was about taking too many precautions, and I used this story as the beginning of this speech. I became somewhat well-known on the speech and debate circuit as the "male pregnancy kid."

Ordering The Drink: The best part of being on the speech team was that I got to meet a lot of incredible people-- those who were on my team, and those who I competed against. Some of the most talented people I've ever seen were involved with Speech & Debate, and many have gone on to do great things. some notable speech and debate alumni include John Belushi, Nancy Cartwright, Stephen Colbert, Josh Gad, Kelsey Grammer, Brad Pitt, Zachary Quinto, Paul Rudd, Sonia Sotomayor, Alan Tudyk, Oprah Winfrey, and Weird Al Yankovic.

Also, Brent Spiner who, presumably, delivered an award-winning oratory on how robots are capable of love.

One such talented person I got to meet through speech and debate is my friend Arun. Arun was two grades below me and I was lucky enough to get to coach him when he first started competing. We've remained friends since and I was very proud when he followed in my footsteps and ultimately competed in Original Oratory himself.

A picture of my and Arun in the speech team's practice room in high school.

Well, time flies and, yesterday, Arun celebrated his 21st birthday. And for the occasion, I decided to order a drink in his honor.

He has grown taller since high school. I have not.

Arun was celebrating at a bar called The Whiskey Ward in downtown New York City. It's a fun bar, with an expansive and affordable selection of whiskeys. When I'm not ordering customized drinks, my customary drink of choice is a whiskey sour, and I can attest that their version is excellent.

The bar was, however, quite noisy, so I didn't know how well the bartender would be able to hear me. I went up to order two drinks-- a traditional cocktail for me, and a Male Pregnancy Test for Arun (although if the drink was terrible then I could finish it and he would get my drink, which I ultimately decided would be a Moscow Mule).

When I made the request, it was clear that the bartender could hear me, so my concerns about noise were assuaged. But, then I got scared again, because after I made the request, the bartender said "My brain is so melted right now, I have no idea what you're talking about." I tried to explain again, and reminded him that he could put anything he wanted into the drink, but before I could finish he walked away. 

The bartender at The Whiskey Ward mixes a Moscow Mule and may or may not be making a second drink.

 Arun came over and asked "Is he doing it?" and I replied that I had no idea.

Luckily, the bartender arrived shortly with two drinks. One was clearly the Moscow Mule, and the other looked very similar, but was a little bit darker in color.

The Drink:

The Male Pregnancy Test, after Arun had already had a couple of sips.

Blueberry Vodka

Fresh Lime Juice

Fentiman's Ginger Beer

Assessment of Drink: Now, I've mentioned the Moscow Mule a couple of times. For those of you who don't know, it's made with vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice. You might notice that that is very similar to the ingredients for the Male Pregnancy Test listed above. As the bartender placed the drink down, he said "I just made you a second Moscow Mule. But I made it with blueberry vodka because I think if I had to take a male pregnancy test I'd get blue balls."

And the drink was pretty good. I have to say that, comparing it to the regular Moscow Mule, I definitely preferred the regular. The Male Pregnancy Test wasn't bad, but the blueberry flavor is recognizable enough that it seemed out of place. It made the drink a bit too sweet-- the sourness of the lime and the spiciness of the ginger work well together, but the blueberry was too sweet and didn't really compliment it. It wasn't a bad drink by any means-- but if it was between this and the regular Moscow Mule, I'd choose the regular every time.

Arun, with his Male Pregnancy Test.

 

Does It Live Up To The Name: The blue balls line is...clever, I guess? It's not the worst explanation for a drink that I've heard, but it's certainly not the best. I mean, in the end, what do blueberries really have to do with pregnancy? I feel like with a name as out there as The Male Pregnancy Test, a lot more could have been done with this. I do appreciate that he probably wanted to make me a drink that he knew I would like-- since I ordered a Moscow Mule, he probably guessed that I liked that drink and therefore wanted to make something similar. It's a smart strategy, and one I can respect. But, at the same time, it felt like a bit of a cop-out. Especially given how he could put ANYTHING into this drink, it seemed like he didn't do too much with the opportunity. I don't know, the drink just felt kind of lazy. In the end, it felt like one of the less successful drinks I've gotten for this blog. But while the drink was disappointing, the night was a lot of fun-- it's always great to catch up and celebrate with an old friend.

The drink was so disappointing, that Arun unemotionally strangled me. Or maybe he strangled me because I was making a really creepy possessed-mannequin face.