Drink 43: The Man in the Bathtub

The Name: The Man in the Bathtub                                                                            

The Bar: Calico Jack's (800 2nd Ave., NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: I think one quality that is universal among small children is that of imagination. And, imaginary friends in particular are a staple of childhood. Whether one was the extroverted child who wanted to keep playing and interacting when no one's around, or whether one was the introverted child who preferred playing by themselves, chances are everyone had an imaginary friend growing up, or knew someone else who had an imaginary friend.

When I was a kid, I didn't have an imaginary friend. But I did have an imaginary acquaintance. His name was Sean Roger and he lived in the faucet of our bathtub.

Growing up in an apartment building, I had a lot of neighbors, and while I was aware of their existence and would recognize them from seeing them in the lobby or in the elevator, I didn't really KNOW them. And I remember being astounded when my parents mentioned that some of our neighbors lived on the other side of our walls. I think that it was from this revelation that I first invented Sean Roger. We never interacted, it was just that in my mind, he was a person who lived in our faucet the way someone else lived on the other side of our walls. He didn't have a personality as far as I can recall, or even an appearance, it was simply the name. The very specific name of Sean Roger that I applied to the imaginary person who I very much insisted lived in our bathtub faucet.

And...that's really all there is to this story. Sean Roger didn't do anything, he was just...there. I think at some point I invented a whole Roger family of Sean's, but I don't remember their names. I just remember Sean Roger.

As I grew up, I eventually realized that this person I invented did NOT exist, and Sean Roger faded from my consciousness. I didn't think about him for years until one day, while on summer break after my freshman year of college, my dad suddenly asked me "What ever happened to Sean Roger?" To which I morbidly replied, "He drowned." I mean, you know what they say, Location, Location, Location. Why the hell would anyone choose to live in a bathtub?

Ordering The Drink: Calico Jack's is a really fun bar, which is perhaps best known for its various happy hour special. Meaning they really put the "happy" in "happy hour," with a number of different specials throughout the week which keep the place's fun environment hopping. But their main happy hour special is that every Friday, they have a great deal where you can purchase a wristband for $5.00 at the door and, as long as you're wearing it, you get $5.00 drinks. It's a really great deal, especially in New York City. Even better, each week, they do a raffle where one person wins a free wristband party, where the winner can invite friends and, if you mention the winner's name at the door, you get your wristband for free. One of these free happy hours happened to be won by my co-worker Sabrina, who was also present when I ordered The Return of Dante, so a couple Fridays ago, we all got lots of cheap drinks. I have to say, I was impressed. The bartending staff seemed to really know what they were doing. This is a place that could just slide by having mediocre margaritas, but all the drinks I had there were solid. For this reason, I decided to play What's That Drink. My co-workers and I conferred with each other and together we selected the name of the drink, as well as which bartender we should request the drink from, settling on a guy named Dan who had proven particularly adept behind the bar. Dan seemed to like the idea of creating a custom drink immediately, although he did want to make sure I knew the drink might not qualify for the $5 deal. I told him I understood and he went about creating the drink.

The Drink:

 Blueberry vodka
Sprite
Shot of raspberry vodka
Ice

Assessment of Drink: I was already impressed just by looking at this drink. Dan had taken a shot glass filled with raspberry vodka, and put it upside down in the bottom of the drink, surrounding it with the mixture of blueberry vodka and sprite. The entire effect was striking, with the bright red shot clearly visible underneath the bright blue. Plus, the ice floating on top was fun (and made the drink look like a bubble bath). Whenever a cocktail has an extra visual element like this, it already makes the drink more memorable, which is of course the reason I make these bizarre drink requests in the first place. Plus, it was interactive. After I tried a sip of the blueberry vodka and sprite on its own, I was instructed to remove the shot glass, which allowed the raspberry vodka to mix into the rest of the drink.

Unfortunately, this definitely made the drink look less appetizing. Who knew blue and red together would make muddy grey?

It might be that I'm easily amused, or it might have been that I'd already had a strong frozen margarita, but I thought this was really fun, and did elevate the experience of having this cocktail.

The cocktail itself was fine. It was exactly what you'd expect from having raspberry vodka, blueberry vodka, and sprite. That is to say that it was on the sweet side. I personally am not a fan of overly sweet drinks, so this isn't a drink that I would typically order, but that didn't mean it was bad. For the type of drink it was, it was well-made and the flavors were well-balanced. If you like sweeter drinks, or anything flavored like blue raspberry, you would have loved The Man in the Bathtub, and as far as sweet drinks go, it was ultimately more refreshing than cloying.

Does It Live Up To The Name: Yes!!! As soon as I saw the drink I knew this was perfect. The raspberry vodka shot clearly represented the man, and the surrounding blueberry vodka and sprite represented the bathtub (with the ice on top completing the illusion). I often consider the "living up to the name" portion of this blog very metaphorically, but here I was given a literal interpretation. It's rare that a drink physically embodies the assigned name so perfectly. It was absolutely one of the most creative and spot-on approaches to a drink name I've seen.

This is almost identical to the first picture I took of the drink, but shows off the floating ice on top, which I thought was a really nice detail to the whole "bathtub" effect.

In fact, I could imagine a whole line of Men in Bathtub drinks, where you can choose which shot you want to have. Although I think the raspberry shot was a great choice because of the bright contrast in colors. Really the only improvement I could think of would be using gin instead of vodka. After all, then you get the extra connotation of bathtub gin. But that idea aside, The Man in the Bathtub is a great example of why I do this blog. Because sometimes I'll get a bartender who really embraces the creativity and spirit of fun that this blog is really about. This was such a cool interactive idea, and certainly made my happy hour at Calico Jack's both happy and memorable.

Drink 15: The Male Pregnancy Test

The Name: The Male Pregnancy Test                                                                                 

The Bar: The Whiskey Ward (121 Essex Street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: This is one of my favorite stories, and one of the strangest. And a great example of the ineptitude of the government.

So, when I was a teenager, like so many other teens, I had a bad case of acne. Bad enough that, on a dermatologist's recommendation, I began to take some medication to help my skin clear up. Before doing so, though, I was told I would have to take a blood test. Now, I have always had a dislike of needles. I know that nobody really LIKES needles, but I have a particular distaste for them. So, the idea of taking a blood test was not a welcoming one, but obviously I'd have no problem having blood taken if it was necessary.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out what the blood test was supposed to be for. If you read the name of this drink, then you know that the blood test was for something called the M.P.T. Or, Male Pregnancy Test.

Now, some of you might be confused. See, a lot of medications-- and specifically acne medications-- can be harmful to take if you are pregnancy, and can cause health complications for both the mother and the child. So, the Food and Drug Administration, which oversees the distribution of all medication, takes tremendous efforts to make sure that no pregnant individual ever takes these pills. For example, while my acne pills did not have this, I know a lot of people take pills that come in the following, unsubtle packaging.

You know those TV commercials where the announcer says "If you're pregnant or may become pregnant, do not take this pill?" Well, the FDA is serious about that, and when I was 16, they had a brilliant idea: why don't they actually MAKE people take a pregnancy test before taking the pill? The idea seems fine-- that way, there's no confusion. Which, I imagine there was a lot of with confusing packaging like the one above. And while there are some potential problems with that system, that's a debate for another time. Because there is one other, more relevant problem: The FDA decided that EVERYONE should have to take this test. Even if that person does not have a womb.

Now, some might remember the news story of Thomas Beatie-- sometimes known as "The Pregnant Man," a trans man who became the first legally recognized man to become pregnant. He's a really fascinating figure, and if you haven't heard about him, definitely look up his story. And while it is true that trans men can feasibly become pregnant, I am a cisgender male who has exactly a 0% chance of being pregnant. When we called my dermatologist to ask if "Male Pregnancy Test" really meant what we thought it meant, she said that it was probably a mistake and I should check with my pharmacy. But, the pharmacist wouldn't give me the medicine because they legally couldn't unless I took the blood test. The pharmacist reached that conclusion after spending about ten minutes on the phone with someone to make sure this was really the case. Since, again, there is no reason I should ever have to take a pregnancy test.

One day, I went to a blood clinic for the official test. Since I was a minor, my dad had to go with me. Before the test, we checked one last time as to whether or not this was really necessary.

Receptionist: Name?

Me: Miles Purinton.

Receptionist: And what are you here for?

Me: A pregnancy test.

Receptionist: No, really, what are you here for?

Me: I am actually here for a pregnancy test. Here is the document saying so.

Receptionist: This...this seems legit.

My Dad: We're worried. He's late. He hasn't had a period in seventeen years.

At the time, I found that last comment really annoying. But, I have to concede that it's really funny.

To make matters worse, when we arrived at the blood clinic, the guy who was taking my blood was new and had no idea what he was doing. The first time he tried to take my blood, he jabbed the needle in, said "Oops," and removed the needle, explaining that he had missed the vein. Which is surprising to me since my arms are incredible pale and I could probably find my vein on the first try. And I'm terrible at blood-taking. I'm also pretty sure he missed the vein the second time he stuck the needle in too, but instead of taking the needle out, he simply squirmed the needle around inside my arm until he found it. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and I felt light-headed by the end of it. For my pains, the clinic gave me a paper cup of orange juice to help me not pass out, and two weeks later I received a piece of paper saying the test came back negative and I was not pregnant.Really dodged a bullet there.

If you're wondering why you never heard of this test, it's because the FDA almost immediately recognized that this was stupid and got rid of the requirement. The M.P.T. only existed for less than a month, and I was one of a handful of people who ever had to take it. Luckily, I still have the piece of paper with the results, which can prove that this actually happened and I am not imagining the whole thing. Because it's pretty ridiculous.

A lot of people have already heard this story. When I was in high school, I was on the Speech Team. Speech team is a wonderful activity, but it is also nearly impossible to explain to anyone who was not a part of it. It's weird. But, in simplified terms, on the speech team, various high schoolers compete in different categories which all involve public speaking and performance in one way or the other. One such category, which I did my senior year, is called Original Oratory, where the speaker performs a ten minute speech that they have written on a topic of their choosing. My speech was about taking too many precautions, and I used this story as the beginning of this speech. I became somewhat well-known on the speech and debate circuit as the "male pregnancy kid."

Ordering The Drink: The best part of being on the speech team was that I got to meet a lot of incredible people-- those who were on my team, and those who I competed against. Some of the most talented people I've ever seen were involved with Speech & Debate, and many have gone on to do great things. some notable speech and debate alumni include John Belushi, Nancy Cartwright, Stephen Colbert, Josh Gad, Kelsey Grammer, Brad Pitt, Zachary Quinto, Paul Rudd, Sonia Sotomayor, Alan Tudyk, Oprah Winfrey, and Weird Al Yankovic.

Also, Brent Spiner who, presumably, delivered an award-winning oratory on how robots are capable of love.

One such talented person I got to meet through speech and debate is my friend Arun. Arun was two grades below me and I was lucky enough to get to coach him when he first started competing. We've remained friends since and I was very proud when he followed in my footsteps and ultimately competed in Original Oratory himself.

A picture of my and Arun in the speech team's practice room in high school.

Well, time flies and, yesterday, Arun celebrated his 21st birthday. And for the occasion, I decided to order a drink in his honor.

He has grown taller since high school. I have not.

Arun was celebrating at a bar called The Whiskey Ward in downtown New York City. It's a fun bar, with an expansive and affordable selection of whiskeys. When I'm not ordering customized drinks, my customary drink of choice is a whiskey sour, and I can attest that their version is excellent.

The bar was, however, quite noisy, so I didn't know how well the bartender would be able to hear me. I went up to order two drinks-- a traditional cocktail for me, and a Male Pregnancy Test for Arun (although if the drink was terrible then I could finish it and he would get my drink, which I ultimately decided would be a Moscow Mule).

When I made the request, it was clear that the bartender could hear me, so my concerns about noise were assuaged. But, then I got scared again, because after I made the request, the bartender said "My brain is so melted right now, I have no idea what you're talking about." I tried to explain again, and reminded him that he could put anything he wanted into the drink, but before I could finish he walked away. 

The bartender at The Whiskey Ward mixes a Moscow Mule and may or may not be making a second drink.

 Arun came over and asked "Is he doing it?" and I replied that I had no idea.

Luckily, the bartender arrived shortly with two drinks. One was clearly the Moscow Mule, and the other looked very similar, but was a little bit darker in color.

The Drink:

The Male Pregnancy Test, after Arun had already had a couple of sips.

Blueberry Vodka

Fresh Lime Juice

Fentiman's Ginger Beer

Assessment of Drink: Now, I've mentioned the Moscow Mule a couple of times. For those of you who don't know, it's made with vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice. You might notice that that is very similar to the ingredients for the Male Pregnancy Test listed above. As the bartender placed the drink down, he said "I just made you a second Moscow Mule. But I made it with blueberry vodka because I think if I had to take a male pregnancy test I'd get blue balls."

And the drink was pretty good. I have to say that, comparing it to the regular Moscow Mule, I definitely preferred the regular. The Male Pregnancy Test wasn't bad, but the blueberry flavor is recognizable enough that it seemed out of place. It made the drink a bit too sweet-- the sourness of the lime and the spiciness of the ginger work well together, but the blueberry was too sweet and didn't really compliment it. It wasn't a bad drink by any means-- but if it was between this and the regular Moscow Mule, I'd choose the regular every time.

Arun, with his Male Pregnancy Test.

 

Does It Live Up To The Name: The blue balls line is...clever, I guess? It's not the worst explanation for a drink that I've heard, but it's certainly not the best. I mean, in the end, what do blueberries really have to do with pregnancy? I feel like with a name as out there as The Male Pregnancy Test, a lot more could have been done with this. I do appreciate that he probably wanted to make me a drink that he knew I would like-- since I ordered a Moscow Mule, he probably guessed that I liked that drink and therefore wanted to make something similar. It's a smart strategy, and one I can respect. But, at the same time, it felt like a bit of a cop-out. Especially given how he could put ANYTHING into this drink, it seemed like he didn't do too much with the opportunity. I don't know, the drink just felt kind of lazy. In the end, it felt like one of the less successful drinks I've gotten for this blog. But while the drink was disappointing, the night was a lot of fun-- it's always great to catch up and celebrate with an old friend.

The drink was so disappointing, that Arun unemotionally strangled me. Or maybe he strangled me because I was making a really creepy possessed-mannequin face.