Drink 31: The Dutch Drunk Puppet

The Name: The Dutch Drunk Puppet                                                                                 

The Bar: RARE view (152 West 26th Street, NYC)

Before I get into this post, I'd just like to apologize for not posting for two months! The past few months have been really busy and I just haven't had a chance to keep up this blog. I know, this blog is not exactly difficult to maintain. After all, how hard is it to order cocktails? Which is why I shall hopefully be back in the full swing of things! As penance, here is a picture of me sitting on a bench with the silhouette of my doppelgänger in honor of one of this blog's most popular posts. Enjoy!

 

The Story Behind The Name: I've previously talked a little bit about my experience filming the movie Dogville and how, among other things, Lauren Bacall was obsessed with a stuff moose toy. This drink name also has to do with someone I met while filming Dogville, my hair and makeup person Marleen.

Marleen was pretty incredible--an incredibly tall Dutch woman with a huge head of curly hair, Marleen could have easily been mistaken for a rock star. We had a lot of fun together and got to be good friends over the course of the shoot.

Marleen and Miles: goofballs

The basic instructions for my hair and makeup that Marleen had been given were "as covered in dirt as possible," and so I'd show up for my daily makeup application as Marleen inelegantly caked me in fake mud. At first she didn't want to go overboard, but said that every day she'd increase the amount of mud until someone told her to stop. Nobody ever did and by the end of the shoot I basically resembled Pig Pen. Marleen was quite proud of her handiwork.

There was still a week left of shooting when this picture was taken.

But getting covered in dirt is not the only fond memory I have of Marleen. During some downtime on the set, she once taught me a popular "Miss-Lucy-had-a-tugboat-esque clapping game from The Netherlands. Here are the words in Dutch.

Ik stond laatst voor een poppenkraam
daar zag ik zoveel poppen staan
ik zei "wat doen die poppen hier?"
die poppen drinken poppen bier
die poppen drinken poppen wijn
wat zullen die poppen vrolijk zijn
met al dat bier en poppen wijn

And, with Marleen, we came up with a rough English translation that would still fit the rhythm of the game.

I went down to the puppet show
and I saw all the puppets go
I said "why are these puppets here?"
these puppets drinking puppet beer
these puppets drinking puppet wine
oh how these puppets feel so fine
with all that beer and puppet wine.

As you can see, Dutch clapping games are much more fun.

The game is deceptively simple. Here's a good example of two people playing the hand game. Or, in Dutch, handjeklap. As you can see, you really only have to do two types of clapping. One for the general rhythm, and then when you say "poppen," or "puppet," you're supposed to clap with both hands (this is really hard to explain without visuals, so please, please watch that video). That doesn't sound too hard, but given the weird rhythm of the poem, sometimes a "poppen" can take someone by surprise. And hilarity ensues. Here, for example, is a video of a cute Dutch child failing at the poppenkraam handjeklap for almost four full minutes. WARNING: do not watch that video unless you want to be really happy because it's great. Also, that same channel has three different videos of them trying, and failing, to successfully complete the whole poem. It's so wonderful.

Yes, I have introduced this game to most of my friends. Nobody has ever gotten it on the first try that I can recall.

The Dutch children's game about drunk puppets has brought me much happiness, and so I decided that Marleen and her bizarre clapping chant would be perfect for a What's That Drink drink!

Ordering The Drink: I hate to confess it, but I actually ordered this drink two months ago and it has just taken me forever to write about it. Whoops. I ordered the drink at a birthday party for my friend and co-worker Rachel. Rachel, who was turning 21, chose to celebrate at a place called RARE, a rooftop lounge in Chelsea. A rooftop bar sounds excellent--New York has some really lovely views of its skyline, and a rooftop garden is the perfect setting for sitting back and having some drinks.

But, I have to admit, RARE was not quite what I expected. Because it clearly desperately wanted to be a nightclub. It was dimly lit and there was loud music. And there were a lot of well-dressed people not dancing to the loud music.

The vibe was off. Rooftops and nightclubs don't go together for me. The idea of a rooftop is peaceful. A nightclub is youthful and energetic. They just didn't jive. And, considering how sparkly NYC can look at night, the view wasn't all that great.

Meh.

The general concept just seemed poorly conceived to me. But if they had wanted to go the nightclub route, they could have at least been a good nightclub. But this one was weird. The DJ seemed to have arrived in a time machine from the 90's. I counted three separate Backstreet Boys songs. But these were not any ordinary Backstreet Boys songs. These were being played...unironically!!!

In many ways it was comical. This place was trying so hard to be really super trendy and cool. And its music of choice was 90's boy bands. Played really, really earnestly.

To be fair, this might not exactly be RARE's fault. As I was leaving, the woman in charge of operating the elevator (I know, elevator attendants, how much cooler could this place GET?!?!) asked me how it was. I laughed and said, "Honestly, it was weird. The DJ kept playing Backstreet Boys?" She rolled her eyes and said "Yeah, I know. We rent DJs from a company and whenever he's here he always plays lots of Backstreet Boys and 90's music. We always tell him not to and he does it anyway. We've told the company to stop sending him and he hasn't been here for a while but apparently there was no one else available tonight."

If you take nothing else away from this blog post, I hope that you too share my amazement and confusion at this random shitty DJ who really, really, really loves The Backstreet Boys. Who IS this guy?!

Anyway, I hope I'm not being too harsh on RARE. I'm sure there are people who really like the vibe there. And maybe the whole thing would have worked more with a better DJ. Maybe I'm just an old man now because the younger crowd definitely seemed to be having a great time. And, I have to say, the drinks were excellent. Not just decent, but notably excellent. They were well-made, and far more interesting and creative than I would have expected. This is a bar that could have gotten away with serving really basic drinks, but they came up with some intriguing combinations. It was the rare (pun intended) nightclub where I actually was curious about several of the custom cocktails on their menu. A particular drink called the Fashionista made with aquavit, passion fruit, and lychee stands out. It was pretty damn delicious. The bartenders clearly were up to the task of tackling my What's That Drink challenge, and atmosphere be damned, I was going to make them do it!

I asked the bartender if he'd be willing to make a drink based on solely on a name. He smiled and said "Sure! There's a bit of a lull right now," so I gave him the name The Dutch Drunk Puppet and he went at it in his weird little wooden cabana bar shack area.

Nothing else at the bar fit this aesthetic. It was weird.

After a little bit, he brought me my drink and told me the ingredients. I was going to ask him why he thought this drink fit the name The Dutch Drunk Puppet, but by then the bar had really picked up and he had other customers to get to, so I thanked him and walked away.

The Drink:

 

Templeton Rye

Lemon

Lime

Mint

Finished with ginger beer 

Assessment of Drink: Like all the drinks I had at RARE, this drink was incredibly drinkable. And while that may sound like a stupid thing to say, I think you know what I mean: some cocktails just go down really easily. The drinks at RARE are strong, but don't taste strong. And this one was no exception. This drink was basically straight rye whiskey, but the slight addition of a splash of ginger beer on top, plus the three flavorful garnishes, cut it nicely. With the ginger beer mostly on top, the drink got stronger the more you had it, so it was like a nice surprise. "Oh hey, this drink has more whiskey the more you drink it! Huzzah!" Also, I'm a bit biased because I am quite partial to the flavor of mint. I think it's really refreshing and can bring out the brightness in a lot of drinks. So I liked this one a lot. It was very refreshing. I wish I could have sipped it on a rooftop garden instead of a nightclub surrounded by the sounds of 90's radio.

Does It Live Up To The Name: I really, really, really wish I could have asked my bartender why this drink was called The Dutch Drunk Puppet because I can't for the life of me figure out why. The citrus, mint, and ginger could apply to many different cultures, but there is nothing Dutch about them. It felt like a citrusy mint julep. And while I admit that it's practically impossible to think of a flavor that immediately conjures up thoughts of The Netherlands, this drink seemed to be running far in the opposite direction. Even the choice of Templeton Rye was odd. There are some Dutch whiskeys, but no well-known ones so I doubt they had them stocked at the bar. Even so, going with specifically a rye whiskey, which is only made in America or Canada, meant that there was nothing even remotely Dutch about this drink.

"I'll put some ginger beer in it or some shit. I don't know. I'm not Dutch."

What could they have done to make it more Dutch? Perhaps a gin drink? Gin is derived from a Dutch liquor called jenever, which is their national drink and is still widely drunk there. But, of course, this isn't common knowledge (I only found out about jenever when I googled "Dutch Drinks" for the purpose of writing this post). A better choice might have been using a drink that The Netherlands is better known for: beer. There are several well-known Dutch beers, like Heineken and Amstel. It's likely they had a Dutch beer available, and could have perhaps concocted a beer cocktail around one of those.

But even if we were to ignore the Dutch part of the name, what about this drink evoked puppets? Again, puppets aren't exactly the easiest thing to evoke in a drink. But I definitely don't see them in this one.

I guess this drink got the "Drunk" part of the name. But that's pretty easy when you're specifically making a cocktail. So this drink gets about half a point for that. Good job! You made a cocktail that had alcohol in it!

But the drink was clearly really good. So as long as you don't want a drink loosely based on Dutch puppets and an incongruous rooftop nightclub sounds like your jam, head over to RARE and have a great time! You'll get drunk on delicious cocktails and you might hear some Backstreet Boys if no one else is available that night!

Drink 15: The Male Pregnancy Test

The Name: The Male Pregnancy Test                                                                                 

The Bar: The Whiskey Ward (121 Essex Street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: This is one of my favorite stories, and one of the strangest. And a great example of the ineptitude of the government.

So, when I was a teenager, like so many other teens, I had a bad case of acne. Bad enough that, on a dermatologist's recommendation, I began to take some medication to help my skin clear up. Before doing so, though, I was told I would have to take a blood test. Now, I have always had a dislike of needles. I know that nobody really LIKES needles, but I have a particular distaste for them. So, the idea of taking a blood test was not a welcoming one, but obviously I'd have no problem having blood taken if it was necessary.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out what the blood test was supposed to be for. If you read the name of this drink, then you know that the blood test was for something called the M.P.T. Or, Male Pregnancy Test.

Now, some of you might be confused. See, a lot of medications-- and specifically acne medications-- can be harmful to take if you are pregnancy, and can cause health complications for both the mother and the child. So, the Food and Drug Administration, which oversees the distribution of all medication, takes tremendous efforts to make sure that no pregnant individual ever takes these pills. For example, while my acne pills did not have this, I know a lot of people take pills that come in the following, unsubtle packaging.

You know those TV commercials where the announcer says "If you're pregnant or may become pregnant, do not take this pill?" Well, the FDA is serious about that, and when I was 16, they had a brilliant idea: why don't they actually MAKE people take a pregnancy test before taking the pill? The idea seems fine-- that way, there's no confusion. Which, I imagine there was a lot of with confusing packaging like the one above. And while there are some potential problems with that system, that's a debate for another time. Because there is one other, more relevant problem: The FDA decided that EVERYONE should have to take this test. Even if that person does not have a womb.

Now, some might remember the news story of Thomas Beatie-- sometimes known as "The Pregnant Man," a trans man who became the first legally recognized man to become pregnant. He's a really fascinating figure, and if you haven't heard about him, definitely look up his story. And while it is true that trans men can feasibly become pregnant, I am a cisgender male who has exactly a 0% chance of being pregnant. When we called my dermatologist to ask if "Male Pregnancy Test" really meant what we thought it meant, she said that it was probably a mistake and I should check with my pharmacy. But, the pharmacist wouldn't give me the medicine because they legally couldn't unless I took the blood test. The pharmacist reached that conclusion after spending about ten minutes on the phone with someone to make sure this was really the case. Since, again, there is no reason I should ever have to take a pregnancy test.

One day, I went to a blood clinic for the official test. Since I was a minor, my dad had to go with me. Before the test, we checked one last time as to whether or not this was really necessary.

Receptionist: Name?

Me: Miles Purinton.

Receptionist: And what are you here for?

Me: A pregnancy test.

Receptionist: No, really, what are you here for?

Me: I am actually here for a pregnancy test. Here is the document saying so.

Receptionist: This...this seems legit.

My Dad: We're worried. He's late. He hasn't had a period in seventeen years.

At the time, I found that last comment really annoying. But, I have to concede that it's really funny.

To make matters worse, when we arrived at the blood clinic, the guy who was taking my blood was new and had no idea what he was doing. The first time he tried to take my blood, he jabbed the needle in, said "Oops," and removed the needle, explaining that he had missed the vein. Which is surprising to me since my arms are incredible pale and I could probably find my vein on the first try. And I'm terrible at blood-taking. I'm also pretty sure he missed the vein the second time he stuck the needle in too, but instead of taking the needle out, he simply squirmed the needle around inside my arm until he found it. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and I felt light-headed by the end of it. For my pains, the clinic gave me a paper cup of orange juice to help me not pass out, and two weeks later I received a piece of paper saying the test came back negative and I was not pregnant.Really dodged a bullet there.

If you're wondering why you never heard of this test, it's because the FDA almost immediately recognized that this was stupid and got rid of the requirement. The M.P.T. only existed for less than a month, and I was one of a handful of people who ever had to take it. Luckily, I still have the piece of paper with the results, which can prove that this actually happened and I am not imagining the whole thing. Because it's pretty ridiculous.

A lot of people have already heard this story. When I was in high school, I was on the Speech Team. Speech team is a wonderful activity, but it is also nearly impossible to explain to anyone who was not a part of it. It's weird. But, in simplified terms, on the speech team, various high schoolers compete in different categories which all involve public speaking and performance in one way or the other. One such category, which I did my senior year, is called Original Oratory, where the speaker performs a ten minute speech that they have written on a topic of their choosing. My speech was about taking too many precautions, and I used this story as the beginning of this speech. I became somewhat well-known on the speech and debate circuit as the "male pregnancy kid."

Ordering The Drink: The best part of being on the speech team was that I got to meet a lot of incredible people-- those who were on my team, and those who I competed against. Some of the most talented people I've ever seen were involved with Speech & Debate, and many have gone on to do great things. some notable speech and debate alumni include John Belushi, Nancy Cartwright, Stephen Colbert, Josh Gad, Kelsey Grammer, Brad Pitt, Zachary Quinto, Paul Rudd, Sonia Sotomayor, Alan Tudyk, Oprah Winfrey, and Weird Al Yankovic.

Also, Brent Spiner who, presumably, delivered an award-winning oratory on how robots are capable of love.

One such talented person I got to meet through speech and debate is my friend Arun. Arun was two grades below me and I was lucky enough to get to coach him when he first started competing. We've remained friends since and I was very proud when he followed in my footsteps and ultimately competed in Original Oratory himself.

A picture of my and Arun in the speech team's practice room in high school.

Well, time flies and, yesterday, Arun celebrated his 21st birthday. And for the occasion, I decided to order a drink in his honor.

He has grown taller since high school. I have not.

Arun was celebrating at a bar called The Whiskey Ward in downtown New York City. It's a fun bar, with an expansive and affordable selection of whiskeys. When I'm not ordering customized drinks, my customary drink of choice is a whiskey sour, and I can attest that their version is excellent.

The bar was, however, quite noisy, so I didn't know how well the bartender would be able to hear me. I went up to order two drinks-- a traditional cocktail for me, and a Male Pregnancy Test for Arun (although if the drink was terrible then I could finish it and he would get my drink, which I ultimately decided would be a Moscow Mule).

When I made the request, it was clear that the bartender could hear me, so my concerns about noise were assuaged. But, then I got scared again, because after I made the request, the bartender said "My brain is so melted right now, I have no idea what you're talking about." I tried to explain again, and reminded him that he could put anything he wanted into the drink, but before I could finish he walked away. 

The bartender at The Whiskey Ward mixes a Moscow Mule and may or may not be making a second drink.

 Arun came over and asked "Is he doing it?" and I replied that I had no idea.

Luckily, the bartender arrived shortly with two drinks. One was clearly the Moscow Mule, and the other looked very similar, but was a little bit darker in color.

The Drink:

The Male Pregnancy Test, after Arun had already had a couple of sips.

Blueberry Vodka

Fresh Lime Juice

Fentiman's Ginger Beer

Assessment of Drink: Now, I've mentioned the Moscow Mule a couple of times. For those of you who don't know, it's made with vodka, ginger beer, and lime juice. You might notice that that is very similar to the ingredients for the Male Pregnancy Test listed above. As the bartender placed the drink down, he said "I just made you a second Moscow Mule. But I made it with blueberry vodka because I think if I had to take a male pregnancy test I'd get blue balls."

And the drink was pretty good. I have to say that, comparing it to the regular Moscow Mule, I definitely preferred the regular. The Male Pregnancy Test wasn't bad, but the blueberry flavor is recognizable enough that it seemed out of place. It made the drink a bit too sweet-- the sourness of the lime and the spiciness of the ginger work well together, but the blueberry was too sweet and didn't really compliment it. It wasn't a bad drink by any means-- but if it was between this and the regular Moscow Mule, I'd choose the regular every time.

Arun, with his Male Pregnancy Test.

 

Does It Live Up To The Name: The blue balls line is...clever, I guess? It's not the worst explanation for a drink that I've heard, but it's certainly not the best. I mean, in the end, what do blueberries really have to do with pregnancy? I feel like with a name as out there as The Male Pregnancy Test, a lot more could have been done with this. I do appreciate that he probably wanted to make me a drink that he knew I would like-- since I ordered a Moscow Mule, he probably guessed that I liked that drink and therefore wanted to make something similar. It's a smart strategy, and one I can respect. But, at the same time, it felt like a bit of a cop-out. Especially given how he could put ANYTHING into this drink, it seemed like he didn't do too much with the opportunity. I don't know, the drink just felt kind of lazy. In the end, it felt like one of the less successful drinks I've gotten for this blog. But while the drink was disappointing, the night was a lot of fun-- it's always great to catch up and celebrate with an old friend.

The drink was so disappointing, that Arun unemotionally strangled me. Or maybe he strangled me because I was making a really creepy possessed-mannequin face.