Drink 49: The Epic Spell Wars Drinks (Part II)

The Name: Midnight Merlin's Inferno-Tastic Fountain of Youth

The Bar: The Half Pint (76 West 3rd Street, NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: You might be looking at this name thinking "What? What could that possibly mean?" Well, if you read about my last drink you can find out all about the insane and fun game Epic Spell Wars of the Battle Wizards, and learn the secret formula for determining this drink's name.

Ordering The Drink: After drinking Dr. Rooty Bark's Mysterious Bedazzlement, Nick and I walked around a bit and found ourselves in Washington Square Park. We decided we wanted to use our special Epic Spell Wars drink-naming formula one more time, so we googled "Bars Near Washington Square Park" and saw great reviews for a place called The Half Pint. Putting our faith in the all-knowing hivemind of Yelp, we made our way there.

It became clear that The Half Pint's specialty is their really great and expansive beer menu. Beer lovers should definitely be sure to check it out. But they did have mixed drinks as well, so Nick and I decided to go ahead and order our weirdly-named drink as planned. We randomly selected the spell cards and ended up with Midnight Merlin's Inferno-Tastic Fountain of Youth.

Nick's fingers displaying the drink name fate had chosen for us.

I went up to the bar to order my drink. The bar was being tended to by a man named Brian. A gruff but fun and no-nonsense guy with what I think was an Irish accent (although it was a bit loud so I can't be 100% sure). I told Brian that I was hoping he could make me a cocktail based only on a name I would give him, and he seemed completely on board. But I think he might have regretted it as soon as I said the actual name.

Me: So, the drink will be called Midnight Merlin's Inferno-Tastic Fountain of Youth.
Brian: ...What the fuck?
Me: Sorry.
Brian: You want to run that by me again?

Brian clearly didn't know what he'd gotten himself into. I tried to reassure him that he could put whatever he wanted in it and I'd be happy. "You could just go 'fuck it' and make me a vodka cranberry if you wanted," I said. "No, I'm not going to do that," Brian assured me. He then asked if I had a preferred alcohol, and I said I didn't, but did say that the presence of the word "Inferno-Tastic" made me think that perhaps the drink would have Fireball in it. "Yeah," he agreed, "Definitely." It seemed like the wheels had started turning and Brian had gotten his idea. In not too long, Brian placed a drink in front of me.

The Drink:

Fireball
Cider
Amaretto

Assessment of Drink: I've gone to an assortment of bars for this blog. Some really specialize in cocktails. And some are just neighborhood places like The Half Pint is, which can put together a gin and tonic but those tending bar aren't exactly mixologists. In general, I'd say that, unsurprisingly, the former bars tend to outdo the latter (even though the neighborhood places have at times offered really creative drinks and shouldn't be underestimated). But, despite how simple the drink was--it's only three ingredients after all--I have to say that this was delicious, and hands down the best cocktail I've gotten for this blog at a bar of this variety. In fact, it tasted better than the drink I'd gotten earlier in the evening during part 1, at a bar that is far more cocktail-oriented. It shouldn't be a surprise that it tasted so delicious. Apple, almond, and cinnamon are all flavors that go well together, after all. And here, it was especially good, creating a drink that could simultaneously be sweet, tart, and spicy. It was like a mulled cider, but chilled and more refreshing. It tasted like grown-up apple juice.

I also love that cider was included. There are actually a lot of great cocktails out there that include beer or hard cider, but you don't see them too often, which is a shame. I've actually thought that beer would be a great addition for several of the drinks I've gotten here. I think that Brian's use of the cider was so smart. It added a great depth of flavor to this drink, and was unexpected and creative. And it played well with the fireball and amaretto. It wasn't just a cider with spice added to it--it was a legitimate cocktail in its own right. And a great one at that. Seriously, I would definitely order this again. I'm considering asking a bartender to give me cider with a shot of fireball and amaretto in the future. I want this drink again. And Nick did too, and he's not normally a fan of fireball.

Does It Live Up To The Name: Absolutely. Obviously, as Brian and I had discussed before the drink was made, Fireball automatically checks off the "Inferno-Tastic" part of the name. And I think that the Fountain of Youth part was present too. In my description of the drink, I said it tasted like "grown-up apple juice." And that apple juice flavor is definitely something that most people--myself included--relate with childhood. Despite the presence of alcohol, it was conceivable as a youthful drink.

If I had to scrutinize the name of this drink, the main criticism would be that the Midnight Merlin wasn't really present. That part of the name would certainly be tough to represent, but I think it could have been doable. I couldn't help but think of the pitch black drink I once got for this blog, which would have been amazing, although something tells me that The Half Pint doesn't typically have a supply of activated charcoal ready to go. I also thought that perhaps absinthe would be a good way to represent the Merlin part, as absinthe is often imbued with sort of magical attributes. But, even though I love absinthe, I don't think it would have improved the drink, so I'm really okay with it not being there.

Even though the "Midnight Merlin" wasn't really present, two out of three of the spell cards isn't a bad track record. Honestly, I think Brian nailed the sizable challenge of this drink's name. In the challenge of the Epic Cocktails of the Battle Mixologists, Brian at the Half Pint definitely comes out on top.

Drink 48: The Epic Spell Wars Drinks (Part I)

The Name: Dr. Rooty Bark's Mysterious Bedazzlement

The Bar: The Garret (296 Bleecker St., NYC, above the Five Guys)

The Story Behind The Name: Fans of this blog might remember my friend and former co-worker Nick, with whom I share a strange inside joke about all bowties actually being giraffes. If you find that confusing, feel free to read this post, but I can't guarantee it'll explain it. Well, one of Nick's great passions are board games and card games. While everyone's heard of the most famous games, like Monopoly or Sorry or Uno, there's a whole world of unusual and really fun games out there. And thanks to Nick, I've been lucky enough to play a lot of them. And my favorite game that Nick has introduced me to is hands down a card game called Epic Spell Wars of the Battle Wizards: Duel at Mount Skullzfyre. The gameplay is simple: everyone plays as a wizard and takes turns casting spells designed to defeat their opponent. You make these spells by using cards in your hand. It's a relatively simple game, but it's elevated by the amount of humor in the game. This game is hilarious. I mean, look at that name! The epic spell war apparently takes place on a place called Mount Skullzfyre. There's a wonderful amount of detail that goes into making this game entertaining. To start, the wizard characters that you play as are delightful. They're a great display of exaggerated badassery. Although, my favorite character, and the one I always play as, is the one that's by far the least badass: a leprechaun named Fey Ticklebottom the Enchanter, who flies around on a cloud that shoots rainbows.

Me, impersonating my favorite all-powerful wizard.

But the real meat of the game comes from casting spells, which are where this game's creators' creativity really comes to light. Each spell can include up to three cards--a beginning, a middle, and an end of a spell. The first card says the name of the spell's inventor. The second card is an adjective about the spell. And the third card is the "delivery" card, which is the type of spell it is. In each round, you cast spells with a variety of fun and wacky names.

This blog is, of course, all about fun and wacky names. So, Nick and I decided that we would do something similar to the drinks I got inspired by Clue Junior. We would take some spell cards from the game and randomly draw them right before we place our bar order, thus creating a cocktail that was guaranteed to have a bizarre and insane name.

Beforehand, we decided to narrow down our options and not leave things too up to chance. Some of the spell card words would simply be too disgusting for the drink. Essentially, we didn't want to basically dare the bartender to give us something gross. Or, even worse, something dangerous. If you order a drink that includes the word "Death Wish" and say the bartender can put whatever they want in it, you're basically asking for them to serve you a glass of bleach. We chose our four favorite cards of each variety and ended up with the following options:

Rose Bottom's/Professor Presto's/Dr. Rooty Bark's/Midnight Merlin's...

...Inferno-Tastic/Thundering/Mysterious/Delicious...

...Snakedance/Phantasmagoons/Bedazzlement/Fountain of Youth

So, for example, by randomly selecting cards, we might end up with a drink called Professor Presto's Delicious Snakedance. Which is also the name of a spell one might cast in the game. It's a really great game.

Ordering The Drink: Nick and I found our way to The Garret, a hidden bar that you can only get into by climbing some stairs in the back of a Five Guys. As we walked into the Five Guys, we looked around to find the secret entrance. The cashier, sensing that we were looking for something, cheerfully asked us, "Bathroom or Garret?" It was clear he had asked this question to a lot of people. Luckily, with the cashier's help, we found The Garret. It's a great place, which immediately has a cool vibe to it. And the fact that it's above what is one of the best places for fast, drunk food is brilliant. Nick and I couldn't figure out whether The Garret or the Five Guys had been in the space first, but whichever one moved into the space most recently had clearly made a brilliant business decision. The Garret is also, despite its secret nature, incredibly popular, and was already hopping even thought it was fairly early on a Wednesday.

A cool location isn't the only thing The Garret has going for it. They take cocktails very seriously and have a really unusual menu of house cocktails. My first drink of the night--called The First Lady--had a cool green color and was made with matcha green tea powder and basil. The bartender was also clearly having a great time, and putting on a bit of a show as he put the drinks together.

As Nick and I sipped our cocktails (Nick got a yummy Pisco Punch), we drew the cards to find out the drink I'd soon be ordering. And, the winner was...

Dr. Rooty's Bark's Mysterious Bedazzlement!

I approached the bartender, and he agreed to do it, although the complicated name definitely threw him a bit. But, especially considering the quality of our first drinks, I was ready for a drink that would be intriguing and bedazzling. And also probably made with root beer. My bartender didn't seem to be as optimistic. "It might be gross," he warned me. "That's okay. Like I said, I'll be happy no matter what," I told him. After not too long, he placed the drink in front of me. I asked if I could know the ingredients. He grinned, and simply said, "No."

The Drink:

???

???

???

???

Something red drizzled on top 

Assessment of Drink: It was pretty clear upon tasting the drink that there was no root beer. And I kind of respected that. Based on the name "Dr. Rooty Bark," both Nick and I thought that there would definitely be root beer. And while it's possible there simply wasn't anything root beer-flavored behind the bar, I admired that this bartender didn't go the easy way out. Instead, to convey Dr. Rooty Bark, he painstakingly spelled out the letters "Dr." on the top with some sort of red liquid.

The rest of the drink was difficult to place. It was fruity, but more sour than sweet. My first guess was that there might be something grapefruit-flavored in it. I also had a feeling there was egg white. The drink was very creamy, which often indicated egg white, and I knew that several drinks on the menu used this ingredient (including The First Lady which I'd already ordered). But beyond that, it was hard to place. And I had no idea what sort of alcohol was used. The drink tasted good, but I'll be honest, as I drank it I wasn't really thinking about the quality. I just wanted to know what was in it!

At the end of the night, I asked the bartender one more time if he would tell me the ingredients and he finally gave in.

Vodka

Egg White

Lemon

Passion Fruit

Bitters drizzled on top to spell "Dr"

This made sense. I was right about the egg white! And while my guess of "grapefruit" was wrong, the Passion Fruit explained the sour fruity flavor. And the fact that it was vodka made up for how hard it was to identify the base alcohol. It also explained my thoughts on the drink itself; those thoughts being, "It was fine." Really, the cocktail just wasn't that exciting or memorable, especially considering how innovative the rest of the cocktail menu was. But it was perfectly adequate, and quite well-made.

Does It Live Up To The Name: The most obvious way that this drink met the name was with the mystery part. I loved that the bartender wouldn't tell me the name, as it definitely made the drink a mysterious one. And the fact that the Passion Fruit was so difficult to identify certainly made it a good mystery--had it simple been lemon, it would have been a lot easier to identify. I also appreciated that he went the extra mile by actually writing "Dr" on the top of the drink.

But, I can't help but feel like more could have been done. The drink itself wasn't all that mysterious or bedazzling. Quite frankly, he could have made ANYTHING and his idea of not telling me the ingredients still would have worked. And also, while I did like the writing--and also have already mentioned that I appreciated him not immediately going for the root beer--in some ways, writing Dr on top was a bit of a cop out. The actual substance of the cocktail didn't ultimately have anything to do with the name--its success at living up to the name had to do with everything my bartender did EXCEPT the drink itself.

And that's kind of disappointing because this was a promising name. The word "Bedazzlement" is a great one. I remember when I ordered a cocktail called Honey Milked From the Teats of Zeus, and that bartender admitted that he simply wanted to make the most delicious drink he could. I kind of felt that way here. I think this was a chance for this highly capable bartender to wow me. Instead, the drink was good, but not great.

All that being said, I still really appreciate this bartender's efforts. And, like I said, the first drinks Nick and I got were fantastic. Even if they hadn't been, I would still have been a huge fan of The Garret. It's a great location, and it has the atmosphere to match its intriguing spot. I'll definitely be returning at some point in the future.

But, Nick and I weren't done just yet. We had cast one spell to get a creative drink, and we wanted to do one more before the night was over. So we headed over to a new bar and got a different drink. Read about it in Part II, coming soon!

Drink 47: Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew

The Name: Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew                                                                                

The Bar: The Blind Barber (339 East 10th St., NYC)

The Story Behind The Name: I love second-hand books. I love how they're already a bit worn, and I love how you can sometimes find old books that are out of print. I've already talked about the time I found a bizarre book that I happened to read through and was so glad I did. Well, this story is about the time my mom happened upon a strange book, to hilarious results.

She was walking in our neighborhood and came across some old books for sale at a cheap price. My mom loves to cook, and so an old cookbook caught her eye. It was compiled by The Ladies of the Living History Association, a group of historical reenactors, and it was initially published in 1968. It was only $1.50 so she decided to look through it and see if it was interesting.

The cookbook is filled with recipe submissions that people sent in. The recipes are for the most part informally written--very few precise measurements. And the recipes are overly simple at best, and outright disgusting at worst. Seasoning hadn't quite been invented yet, and pretty much every recipe involves boiling meat and potatoes until all flavor is lost. There's a whole section on recipes that you can cook in this new-fangled thing called the microwave! But, despite the quality of the recipes, it's important to note that it's a serious cookbook. These are dishes that people actually prepared. This book was meant to be a real cookbook. And the reason that I emphasize this is because, amidst all of these actual recipes, my mom landed on this recipe, supposedly submitted by a certain Colonel A. Wurzberger.

Each member of my family read this one by one, and none of us could get through it without cracking up. Even before the hare pun, it's such a wonderfully silly and ridiculous joke. I love the casual statements, like, "Cook for about 4 weeks," and, "This will serve 3800 people." And, I also love the name Colonel A. Wurzberger. It HAS to be a pseudonym, of course, but if so, where did whoever wrote this come up with it? It so perfectly conjures up the image of some retired army general in full military garb. And to imagine such an official-looking figure painstakingly cutting up an elephant into bite-size pieces for two months straight is so ludicrous. Really the whole recipe is an absolute masterpiece.

But what makes the whole thing complete is the fact that it's in the cookbook at all. Obviously, the person who submitted this (Colonel A. Wurzberger, of course) knew it was a joke, but it remains to be seen if the Ladies of the Living History Association did. Did they simply compile all the recipes they received without actually reading any of them, and this one made it in through the cracks? Did they read the recipe and not realize it was a joke? Or did they get the joke, and decide to put it into their cookbook anyway? I genuinely don't know. But I'm so glad this cookbook exists, and that my mom was lucky enough to stumble onto it on the street and bring Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew into our lives.

Ordering The Drink: After getting two drinks with my friend Pat--The Christopher Walken Duck Joke and The Day The Clown Cried--we decided to hop bars once again and set a new record for the most rounds of What's That Drink played in one night! And we knew exactly where to go: The Blind Barber. This is another hidden bar, and as the name suggests, it's located in the back of a barbershop. And it's a real barbershop--you can get a haircut and then go to the back and get a drink. I'd never been there, but I'd heard about it. It's always included on lists of the best speakeasies in New York City, and is known for having especially unusual cocktails, so it's somewhere I've been meaning to go for this blog for quite some time. Pat has been there before, and confirmed that it's a really neat place with a cool vibe and great drinks. We stopped for dinner first, since we had each had several strong drinks by now, and then went off towards The Blind Barber.

We stepped through the door in the back of the barbershop and, I have to admit, both of us were surprised. There was a live DJ sitting in one corner, and incredibly loud pop music blasting throughout the bar. If a real blind barber were to go, they would think it was a nightclub, not a tiny place known for unusual cocktails. Nightclubs aren't really my thing--I like to be able to hear myself think--but I know that a lot of people do like them and that's fine. But, the decor of The Blind Barber would never suggest "nightclub." It's decorated in an old-school Victorian style, with old books and photographs everywhere. It's beautiful, but you'd think that the music would be jazz, not Jay-Z.

Me, expressing my annoyance at the loud music blasting in this otherwise quaint library room.

It didn't help that the bar was pretty empty too. It was a Tuesday night, and when Pat and I walked in there were only three people on the dance floor and no one else in sight. They were awkwardly dancing as Pat and I screamed over each other. He apologized, and explained that the last time he was here, it was nothing like this. There was no music, and it had seemed like a really lovely hidden spot. The difference between what he described and what I'd heard about The Blind Barber, versus what we were actually experiencing, was night and day. And I really don't think that this was just me being like a crotchety old man. The loud music was simply odd for the environment. Reading online reviews, it's clear I'm not the only person who feels this way. It seems that after a certain time each night, the place suddenly changes completely. I'd certainly prefer to have been there earlier in the evening!

But, never mind that, we were here for drinks, and I was still excited to get some interesting cocktails! Pat ordered his favorite drink from the menu in both name and content-- the Sweeney Ted--which was absolutely delicious. But I went ahead and, of course, ordered the Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew. The bartender initially seemed reluctant, and hesitant to know if this was what I really wanted. "There must be a kind of alcohol you want?" he insisted, and I promised him that I really would be happy with whatever he put together, as long as it fit the name. I eventually convinced him and he put the drink together.

The Drink:

 

Bourbon

Dry Vermouth

Pineapple Juice

Simple Syrup 

Assessment of Drink: Earlier in the night, Pat had asked me if I'd ever gotten a really bad drink while doing this blog. And the truth is that I've only had one actively awful-tasting drink. And 1 out of 46 isn't too bad. But, while Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew was nowhere near as bad as The Brave Potato, it was not a good drink. It was very watery, and though he said there was bourbon and vermouth in it, I didn't really taste it. The only thing you could taste was pineapple. Watery pineapple. And the simple syrup didn't help matters, making it a sweet drink and taking out any tartness or acidity the pineapple might have had. Now, don't get me wrong, I like the taste of pineapple. The drink wasn't inedible. But it wasn't a good drink. It's a drink that I would have expected to get at some dive bar, or at a party at a college frathouse. "Oh yeah, we'll throw together some pineapple and bourbon. Voila!" The vermouth might have elevated it, but like I said, I didn't get any hint of the vermouth at all. 

It was, all in all, incredibly disappointing. And I was more disappointed because I knew this bartender could have done better. Pat's drink was absolutely delicious, and actually took skill to make. This drink felt lazy. To the point that I don't know if he maybe presented it to me as a bit of a "fuck you." Maybe he really found my request insulting and decided to phone it in. But it was certainly not worth the $13 that all cocktails cost at The Blind Barber. I'd have rather he simply not agreed to make the drink at all.

Does It Live Up To The Name: That the drink itself wasn't great is one thing, but where I really felt this drink dropped the ball was in the creativity. Or, lack thereof. I happen to think that this was an especially great name for a cocktail. There's already a cocktail called The Colonel--made with whiskey, benedictine, and bitters--and the drink could have been a play on that. I've already had an elephant-themed drink before, which was served in a very creative way. And the word "stew"could have been a gift to a creative mixologist. Stews are sort of a mish-mosh of ingredients thrown together to create a cohesive whole. Here, the ingredients were so simple, and there were so few of them, that it would be a really lousy stew. He could have even focused on the Wurzberger and gone with a German theme. The name of this drink as a whole suggests a sort of strength. Stew of any sort would be hearty, and elephant stew especially so. Add in the military component, and I thought I'd get a strong drink. I certainly did not get that.

Perhaps if the bourbon had been more prominent, it would have made matter better, but I honestly am at a loss as to why this name conjured up the idea of pineapples. They seem to have come completely out of left field, and considering they were the dominant flavor of the drink, it's especially egregious. Looking at the picture of the drink, I wonder if perhaps the lemon was supposed to represent an elephant ear and the straw was supposed to be the trunk? But I think that's a stretch and I might be giving the bartender too much benefit of the doubt if I accept that as explanation.

On the whole, I'm sorry to say that I've never been let down by a bar on this blog as much as by The Blind Barber. The loud music was odd and unexpected, but the drinks could have more than made up for it. I have no doubt that their set cocktail menu is great--and like I said, the Sweeney Ted that Pat ordered was absolutely delicious. But despite my high hopes and expectations, I don't feel like I had a chance to try Colonel Wurzberger's Elephant Stew. Perhaps I'll even try this name again in the future and see if I get better results. I do know that if I ever return to The Blind Barber, I'd certainly stick to their set menu, which I would like to try more. And I'd definitely come earlier in the evening, before its odd transformation into a noisy nightclub.